Tag Archives: video game issue

Nerd School: A Poem

OJ Patterson, contributor   Nerd school, nerd school where nerd ladies and gents… Well, it’s nerd school so less ladies than gents. In fact, statically a mere ten percent. Nary passing the Bechdel nor women’s lit. Nerd school, nerd school, a time I resent. Game design student, cash poorly spent.   There were nerds of all shapes, sizes and hues. …

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Things to Yell During Your Next Bar Fight

Swearing and threats are standard operating procedure at any pub rumble, but trust me: you’re not impressing anyone with the tired old chestnuts you’re tossing out, and that’s why the other guys keep winning. Try uttering one of these excellent phrases before your next fight and watch the worm turn: I’ll strike you about the throat, you crumbum Leave me …

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Difficulty Life

Zeke Herrera, contributor Before video games evolved they only had one difficulty setting: Hard as dicks. Then a game called Tempest came along and implemented difficulty settings. Difficulty settings were set by taking the simple concepts: Easy/Normal/Hard and changing them into thing such as Recruit/Soldier/Veteran to the more obscure Human/Devil Hunter/Nephilim. These settings are not limited to games, they actually …

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The Know-Nothing Guide to 2014’s Hottest Games

2014 is set to be a huge year for video games. Unfortunately, our regular Game Correspondent is out of commission (thumb transplants). So here’s a rundown of the year’s most anticipated titles from someone who literally has no idea what the hell is going on.   Metal Gear Solid 5: Phantom Pain – You are former South African Police Officer …

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Don’t Watch Movies Based On Original Video Games…

Michael Sargent, contributor   After a couple minutes of heavy research I’ve come to the conclusion that movies based on original video games are a complete waste of time and provide more evidence that the Hollywood film industry is a worthless piece of crap. Luckily there are some pretty cool films with plots based on video games.   Tron (1982) …

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Official Guide to Arizona!

Electronic Artifice, contributor Welcome to Arizona!, a cross between The Sims, Red Dead Redemption, Grand Theft Auto and Farmville. In this action-packed RPG, you will pioneer a vast wasteland and defend the last dying stronghold of your heritage. The goal is deceptively simple: settle a desert town and populate it with as many minions as you can to create the …

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Video Game Haikus

Spencer Devine, contributor   Quest within a Ocarina can’t erase the Monotony.   This is my city Streets all soaked in Hooker blood Andreas, my chains.   Consume everything My pink and squishy body A hungering shell.   Speed is my escape All I can see is gold rings Never stop running.   Hopeless working man Headbutting bricks for her …

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Let’s Make a Deal

Hey. You lookin’ for something? I can help you, maybe.   You’re not a cop, right? You have to tell me if you’re a cop. OK then, let’s hear what you want.   That’s what you’re lookin’ for? This is your lucky day, big guy. I got what you need.   I’ll show you the goods. Here, let me just… …

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The Mayor of Sim City’s Concession Speech

First, I would like to congratulate my opponent. Despite my many attacks on his character, he never wavered from being a real class act. And I ran some really inappropriate ads. Ads which cost the taxpayers millions. However, this speech is not about my obsession with expensive CGI images of big asses. This speech is about my actions as mayor …

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