Tag Archives: william toblerone

Skip to My Lunch

William Toblerone, contributor It’s widely accepted that doctors are among the most qualified professionals around when it comes to talking about health stuff. Even though they have told us for years that breakfast is the most infuriating meal of the day, people continue to push morning food into their faces. I have learned to avoid it at all costs. I …

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The Delicate Mechanics of a Skillful Pie Hole

William Toblerone, Contributor If you are like most people, you like to go around saying stuff. You spray human noise and hope that something clever or useful comes out of your mouth. Finding the right combination of words can be an elusive mission. I like to think I can do the clever talk sometimes. But it often comes out like …

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Oops! Got Your Soul

William Toblerone, Contributor Have you ever wondered what happens to us after we expire? Don’t answer that. I can’t actually hear you. It’s an important question because you are deader than you were when you started reading this sentence. In my research, I found the following accounts from fuck-ups who came back to life after being declared dead. Joe Tyler …

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Advanced Cooking with Wine

William Toblerone, Contributor No, I don’t think I have to tell you how to do everything. But I also know you have a tendency to fuck things up like it’s your life’s purpose. (Remember when we lost our deposit after your Hindenburg themed party?) So just follow these instructions so you won’t starve. You will need: 2  slices of bread …

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Famous Harvest Quotes and Their Practical Applications

William Toblerone, contributor “If we say it long enough, eventually we’re going to reap a harvest. We’re going to get exactly what we’re saying.” – Joel Osteen Keep playing up that angle that we are talent scouts for a Baywatch reboot on TBS. Act like we’re having a little production meeting or something. I think Kitty is totally starting to …

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1990s Mash-Ups!

William Toblerone, contributor In response to your letters, I’m getting crafty with my word processor/turntable to bring you some tasty mixes of big events from the 90s. This article be mad pumpin’! The world was astounded by the news of Dolly the Sheep, the first mammal to be cloned from an adult somatic cell! The excitement was met with extreme …

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Can Some Technology Person Please Step Up and Help a Sandwich Artist?

(Originally Published on November 13, 1992) William Toblerone, contributor I have made the ultimate sacrifice for the betterment of my community. I have dedicated myself to ending the rash of unsightly sandwiches plaguing society by dedicating myself to fashioning quality culinary masterworks between the canvases of bread at the Subway gallery. Needless to say, this commitment is seriously encumbering and …

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Transcription of the Second Coming

William Toblerone, contributor Oh Hey! What’s up everybody? I have some serious shit to get off my chest. First off, soccer sucks.  Eleventh commandment: Play that no moreth, or something like that. Edit it up really nice and print it. Now before any of you wild-eyed rednecks get any stupid ideas, I’m really going to enforce that “Thou shalt not …

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Literature Spotlight

William Toblerone, contributor  If my loyal readers will indulge me, I would like to depart from my usual appraisal of fine literature that has brought me worldwide acclaim. I will instead offer you my analysis of the first installment of Savage Henry Independent Times. I want to present this review here, in this second issue, because I am absolutely certain …

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420 SuperJam Rainbowfest Concert Review

William Toblerone, contributor Dude! Holy Shit! This group is raining down some primo tunage. I’ve seriously never had my face shredded by so much fuckin’ raging jamming. I just hashtagged all my peeps that didn’t show up to let them know they’re a bunch of like, fuckin’ Republicans, straight up. I’m totally doing my part by pumping my index finger …

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