Tag Archives: william toblerone

Good Ol’ Uncle Levi

William Toblerone, contributor   Once again, Uncle Levi pulled out his old yearbook to show us how much potential he once had.  He was an accomplished track star and the president of his senior class. He usually skipped past the page where he was voted “Most Likely to Succeed”, because it saddened him that things didn’t go as planned. One …

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A Hero’s Tail

William Toblerone, contributor   I don’t know how you feel about ass. Mostly because only two of you filled out the survey that was sent to everyone on the mailing list. I used to know how I felt about ass until my cranium way overhauled by the summer’s hottest film.   I went into this movie with the same preconceived …

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That’s Not How You Do It, Dickbrain

William Toblerone, contributor   Let me help you out, you imbecile. It actually causes me pain to watch you struggle with your myriad of deficiencies. If you’re going to make white clam pizza in an authentic undersea oven, you’d better just stop your flailing and follow my instructions.   Since you let your floating countertop drift out in that riptide, …

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My Cousin’s Disgusting, Obnoxious, Ball-Shriveling Wife

William Toblerone, contributor It was November 2023 when I happened to be in St. Louis attending the Skechers conference.  That’s when I got the call. My cousin Daniel was on the phone. Funny thing about Daniel, for three days his legal name was “I know y’all got some liquor in here so fuck you for holding out,” because his mom …

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Skip to My Lunch

William Toblerone, contributor It’s widely accepted that doctors are among the most qualified professionals around when it comes to talking about health stuff. Even though they have told us for years that breakfast is the most infuriating meal of the day, people continue to push morning food into their faces. I have learned to avoid it at all costs. I …

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The Delicate Mechanics of a Skillful Pie Hole

William Toblerone, Contributor If you are like most people, you like to go around saying stuff. You spray human noise and hope that something clever or useful comes out of your mouth. Finding the right combination of words can be an elusive mission. I like to think I can do the clever talk sometimes. But it often comes out like …

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Oops! Got Your Soul

William Toblerone, Contributor Have you ever wondered what happens to us after we expire? Don’t answer that. I can’t actually hear you. It’s an important question because you are deader than you were when you started reading this sentence. In my research, I found the following accounts from fuck-ups who came back to life after being declared dead. Joe Tyler …

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Advanced Cooking with Wine

William Toblerone, Contributor No, I don’t think I have to tell you how to do everything. But I also know you have a tendency to fuck things up like it’s your life’s purpose. (Remember when we lost our deposit after your Hindenburg themed party?) So just follow these instructions so you won’t starve. You will need: 2  slices of bread …

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Famous Harvest Quotes and Their Practical Applications

William Toblerone, contributor “If we say it long enough, eventually we’re going to reap a harvest. We’re going to get exactly what we’re saying.” – Joel Osteen Keep playing up that angle that we are talent scouts for a Baywatch reboot on TBS. Act like we’re having a little production meeting or something. I think Kitty is totally starting to …

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1990s Mash-Ups!

William Toblerone, contributor In response to your letters, I’m getting crafty with my word processor/turntable to bring you some tasty mixes of big events from the 90s. This article be mad pumpin’! The world was astounded by the news of Dolly the Sheep, the first mammal to be cloned from an adult somatic cell! The excitement was met with extreme …

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