Tag Archives: Zack Newkirk

Celebrity Snacks Unclassified

Celebs are just like us. They wear jean shorts. They pound off. And baby, you better believe they love to snack! But what do they snack ON? That’s the question that has kept philosophers up all night for thousands of years. Famous people are usually rich, so does that mean they all eat caviar and carpaccio di cavallo in between …

Read More »

Savage Henry’s Dog Breed Overview

Everybody loves dogs; heck, they’re the ultimate pet! But did you ever wonder what the differences between all the breeds are? Let me “break it down” for ya!   PUGS These little goofballs look like they got their little faces smashed in! Their little bark is DEFINITELY worse than their little bite, and they love to be snuggled! Very tender! …

Read More »

Savage Henry’s 2017 NFL Preview

I’ve been a rabid fan of the National Football League for 30 years now, so it’s strange for me to know that the NFL is headed irreversibly toward collapse — its foundation crumbling around it even as its worth skyrockets — and not be saddened. On the contrary, I welcome its death with open arms.   Under the watchful eye …

Read More »

Vengeance Night – A Short Story by WeRateDogs

(It’s a wet n boomin night. Doggo sniks into kitchen to snorp some water. Suddenly, a puppers leaps out of the shadows) DOGGO: H*ck fren, u scarin me PUPPERS: That’s my plan, fren DOGGO: What u meanin puppers PUPPERS: I read the letter in ur desk at work, Doggo. I know u borked my wife DOGGO: Whoops PUPPERS: U borked …

Read More »

Other Ways the Patriots Allegedly Cheated

The New England Patriots are infamous for having cheated to win 3 Super Bowls from 2001-2007, but it was thought that they had put their cheating ways behind them; that is, until “Deflategate,” or “Ballghazi,” or whatever you want to call the thing where they deflated their footballs to illegal PSI levels to get to this year’s Super Bowl and …

Read More »

Vince Carter’s Raddest Dunks

I love basketball, and I love people who dunk basketballs through the basket hoop. Vince Carter was a guy who used to slam dunk like nobody’s business, and his travails are well-documented. Here follows a breakdown of Carter’s bests dunks. 5) November 12, 2005: Carter dunked hard on Alonzo Mourning, then wrapped his legs around Mourning’s neck, strangling him to …

Read More »

Women, Am I Right

What’s the deal with women, right, guys? Sometimes they just drive me crazy. For instance, why don’t they just say what they mean? Am I right? This guy knows what I’m talking about. This girl I met the other day, lemme tell ya… it’s like she couldn’t make up her mind what to tell me — a fib or an …

Read More »

The New Bill of Rights

It is becoming clear that the government of this nation no longer cares about the rights of its people. Citizens are executed, without trial, by drone strike; our digital freedoms are trampled, in the name of national security, by a spying Big Brother; and urban youths are gunned down in the streets by a police force outfitted with military weaponry. …

Read More »

Scientifically-Proven Speed Dating Lines

Speed dating can be scary, but luckily there are scientists to tell us how to speed-date better than we were speed dating before. Some anthropologists in Quebec undertook a 10-year study during which they researched the effectiveness of 1,000 different lines, carefully written using high inference language and buzzwords, to be used in a speed dating setting. The following were …

Read More »

The Death of Herpacles, by Aeschylus

In addition to being a writer for Savage Henry, a nocturnal eater of small birds, and a card-carrying 9/11 Truther (the card is for the Papa Murphy’s Rewards program), yours truly smugly fancies himself an amateur archaeologist! As such, last May yours truly found himself in Iraq, unearthing a long-forgotten temple of sorts thanks to a several-million-dollar grant from the …

Read More »