Tag Archives: Zack Newkirk

Hollywood Death Watch: Betting Edition

The stars are dropping like flies! First Rock Hudson, now all the other ones? Holy smokes! The betting is hot and heavy and the office pools are filling up fast — which sexy celeb will kick the bucket next? Ante up for our favorites: * Many analysts point toward ensemble cast members of television shows as potential candidates for death. …

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Lemme Tell You About My Fantasy Team Real Quick

Hey, I know a lot of people say this sort of thing doesn’t interest them, but I see your Eagles sweatshirt there, and you gotta hear this. I’ve been in this fantasy football league — well, I’m in like 10 fantasy leagues every year, but this one, all these guys I know, my poker buddies, couple of guys I used …

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Rough Drafts of Famous Literary Works

Even though I earnestly and fervently hate my editors with a white-hot and seething sense of deep loathing, I have to admit that they matter! Indeed, editors throughout history have mattered greatly to the authors for whom they edit, as evidenced by the following passages of rough drafts of famous works that not a fortnight ago I purchased wholesale from …

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A Novella About Dustin Hoffman

“Cut” said Steven Spielberg, and the scene was over. Dustin Hoffman, playing Captain James Hook, stood up and stretched. “Let’s call it a day, people,” said the assistant director, and with that, the crew started moving wires and breaking down rigging. Spielberg, as per usual, started high-fiving everyone around him to celebrate a job well done. “Oy,” said Bob Hoskins, …

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These Are the Jokes

Q: Why do ghosts wear sheets with holes in them? A: Because all ghosts are Hasidic Jews. 🙂 Q: Did you hear the one about the horse that dressed like a congressman? A: No. 🙂 Q: Why is that one powdered household cleaner called Ajax? A: Ajax, son of Telamon, bulwark of the Achaeans, he who fought mighty Hector to …

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Three Knock Knock Jokes of Varying Quality

Joke 1 First Person: Knock knock. Second Person: Who’s there? First Person: Rachel. Second Person: Rachel who? First Person: Uh… I thought we weren’t supposed to give last names. This… this is the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, right? Second Person: Yeah, you’re right. That’s true. Come on in. Joke 2 First Person: Knock knock. Second Person: Hu’s there? First Person: Michael …

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2014 Fantasy Football Tips

It’s almost football season in like three months, so no time like the present to pick up some #fantasy #tips! Use these dandies to dominate your draft and proclaim yourself king of the fantasy realm!  * Draft all the black players.  * Throw your opponents a curveball they won’t know what to do with; draft all hockey players.  * Bring …

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Learning Day: A Screenplay

INT. DINER – DAY A young COP walks into the diner and looks around. A grizzled DETECTIVE at a booth in a dark corner waves the cop over. The cop sits down. DETECTIVE You the new kid? COP Yes sir. Nice to meet you, Detective. I’m looking forward to riding around in your car today and learning.  DETECTIVE Kid, consider …

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Zack’s List

It’s that time again — time for Zack’s List! Count down with me: 10. Picture frames 9. Oatmeal 8. Magnets 7. Frank Lloyd Wright 6. A wolf 5. Breathing 4. Anger 3. Todd 2. A different wolf 1. Rwanda Thanks for reading my list. Pick up next month’s issue for another list!

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Ben Franklin’s Other Aphorisms

We’ve all seen Benjamin Franklin’s choice lines and juicy quotes, but he said/wrote a bunch of other stuff, too, and let me tell you, not all of it was very good. Some of it was pretty dumb, actually. He was overrated, IMHO. IDK, look:  “Hey.” — Ben Franklin  “No, just put it there. Yeah, next to the chair.” — Ben …

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