Tag Archives: Zeke Herrera

Childhood Abandonment Issues

Zeke Herrera, staff   People often accuse me of being distrusting and distant, and those serial killers can get the fuck away from me, but they might have a point. When I was a kid my parents would fight constantly over everything (money, cleaning; Friday the 13th was the best). One night my dad got real drunk. I was in …

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The Do’s and Don’ts of Smoking Weed

Zeke Herrera, staff   Do listen to your budtender to make sure you’re paired with a weed that works best for you. Don’t pass to the right. There’s a system, deal with it.   Do share your weed with friends. Don’t poison your weed and kill all your friends.   Do blow smoke in your pets faces so they can …

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30 Inches or Less

Zeke Herrera, staff   [A man wearing khaki shorts, a baseball hat, and a red polo shirt anxiously rings the doorbell at a large mansion. A woman answers wearing nothing but a robe]   Steve: Hi, I’m Steve. Are you Debra? Debra: Yes, how can I help you? Steve: I’m the prostitute you ordered. Debra: Oh, please come in.   …

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The Delicious Ones

Zeke Herrera, staff   (The following is a transcription of a new documentary on Netflix)   Brooklyn, 1982   It was a time of innovation. The internet was yet to be invented. Hip-Hop was in it’s ho-slappin’ infancy and it would be only five more years until 1987.   Eddie Murphy: When I had first heard about pizza… I didn’t …

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New Names for Stuff

Zeke Herrera, staff   I don’t know about you guys but I’m sick of all these goddamn words. How am I supposed to remember all of them? I’ve decided that I never will. So here’s some stuff I renamed to help me out. Feel free to let me know which ones you like and we’ll get a petition started to …

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Television: The Only Family You Really Need

Zeke Herrera, staff   I was an only child for seven years of my life. When my brother died my parents waited that long before having another child… jk, I’m just the oldest but my parents weren’t around a lot. So for seven years it was just me and TV. Despite the fact that I’m doing comedy for a living …

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My Interview with Death

Zeke Herrera, staff I was sitting at home, trying to finish my Buffalo Wing/Gilmore Girls marathon. Then Death showed up at my door. Death: Hey, I’m Death. I’m here to take you to the afterlife. Me: Are you sure you have the right house? Death: Yep, you’re Zeke, right? Me: No, Zeke went to the store for, like, Batman stuff …

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The Grapes of Revenge

Zeke Herrera, contributor Two scientist gather around a grape in a lab. The older scientist grabs a syringe and injects the grape. Young Scientist Nothing’s happening. Old Scientist Give it time. Young Scientist We’re never going to grow grapes that crush themselves. Old Scientist Why are you talking like that? I know what we’re trying to do, so who’s that …

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Bop It! Gone Bad

Zeke Herrera, contributor This weekend my Bop It! was struck by lightning and went haywire. Lucky for you guys a court stenographer was readily available. Here’s what transpired: BI: Bop It! *Lightning Strike* BI: I said bop, not lightning! ZH: Did you just become sentient? BI: Yeah, I think so. ZH: The fact that you can think so kind of …

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Knockoff 90s Toys

Zeke Herrera, contributor Pet Animal – These furry creatures were pretty cool but still a Tamagotchi ripoff. They did have a wide variety but only came in analog, not digital, and were much harder to reset after they pooped themselves to death. Earth Boots – Clearly inferior copy of Moon Boots. These boots simulated what it was like to be …

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