Ryan Allen, contributor
A viral video entitled “You won’t believe this shit” has been catching speed around the Internet lately, in which a talking golden retriever named Rover states that there is a conspiracy behind the very existence of dogs. In the video, Rover reveals that after eating an entire tray of marijuana-infused brownies, the world “suddenly opened up” around him.
“At first I was freaking out, thinking I was going to die because dogs aren’t supposed to eat chocolate. I later found out the whole Oh no, I’m going to die thing isn’t species specific,” says Rover. “Then it all became clear to me why I even existed: it was in case shit hit the fan and my owner ran out of food.”
He goes on to say that the only reason humans even have pets is in case of a possible need for consumption. “That’s the whole reason they made us, man. Dogs, cats, every pet. We’re a ‘just in case’ food supply. The human overlords, they all hate puppies. They would all go around kicking puppies if they could, they just don’t want us to revolt. They need us because they know they are going to turn this planet into a toxic death zone and they want to be able to wipe out a couple more species before they die out, secure their high score.”
He goes on to cite the current spike in pet obesity rates as proof that the time is nigh. “They’re fattening us up! We sat by for too long as they did they same thing to cows and pigs and now our time has come. They kept us distracted with chew toys and treats for so long we’re all wagging our tails at the mere sight of them. We need to wake up! They have been killing us off in movies for years! They watch us die for entertainment! Marley didn’t need to die!” The video then cuts to Rover pouring out a water bowl for his fallen comrade.
This is not the only conspiracy this video has inspired, however. Many are wondering where Rover is now after the video was taken down. The new conspiracy rises from the fact that if you still click on the link to the video, the scene of Old Yeller being shot plays on a loop. I don’t know about you, but this journalist assumes that Rover is not available for questioning.