Evan Vest, contributor
The role of Older Brother comes with many responsibilities, Providing a good role model, lending a helpful ear and accepting cash to buy the younger kids 40s are all integral to being the older sibling in a family. Having grown up being the oldest of three brothers, I’ve also learned one thing about being a “big bruh” that’s more important than anything: making sure your undeniably cooler than they EVER will be. Do you want them stuntin’ around town proving that you are miles behind everything? Fuck No! Unfortunately, seeing as how I don’t listen to any music that has been made after ’98, my brothers have always been way more ahead of the social curve then I could ever dream of achieving. If you have brothers, here are a few signs that they are way cooler than you and you’re fucking up.
They use your bedroom to hang out
Sure, you’re the oldest so you got the bigger bedroom to yourself, but what are you gonna use it for, friends?! Fat chance. Make way nerd, your little brothers need the space so they can do whip-its with their 20 friends. Just don’t touch my magic set.
They listen to the musical group Death Grips
I’m not sure what this guy is screaming about but sheesh does he sound like a scary computer
They have a SoundCloud account
My brother Garrett makes dope beatz and is really into Arizona Iced Tea, Japanese text, and roman busts. I will never understand any of it, but sweet fuck is he the coolest.
They juggle weed at parties
I was doing a show in Eugene one night and invited my brother back up to the hotel room to meet the comedians. He ended up juggling three nugs of dank weed, directly stealing any and all of my thunder. I was referred to as “Sennett’s brother” for the rest of the tour. Son of a bitch.
Sisters are never cool
Sorry Mimi and Cassandra, I would have included you as well but it’s a scientifically proven fact that #BoyzRule and #GirlzDrool!!! YEA!!! Oh, by the way, can I borrow five bucks from either one of you? Send Mom my love
Follow Evan Vest on Twitter at @EvanVestIsReal