Ten Reasons I Dont’ Swim in the Ocean

Andre Parker, contributor  

10) My Dad: I’ll never forget that cool summer evening. I was standing at the edge of a pier in a crisp new pair of baby blue swim trunks. The brisk breeze sliding across the water and gently kissing my preteen hairs as they grew silently from my legs. I’ll never forget the sweet smell of malt liquor arising from behind me as my father approached quietly and then swiftly pushed me into the ocean while laughing hysterically at the top of his lungs. I’ll never forget. I’ll NEVER forget. I NEVER FORGET.

9) Sharks: Fuck sharks. Sharks are nightmare dolphins from planet HELL. Have you ever seen a shark eat a person whole? NEITHER HAVE I. But I bet it looks like a fish trying to eat a human-shaped pastrami sandwich. Well… I mean if pastrami sandwiches were filled with blood and proportionate to the size of the fish. Oh, and also if pastrami sandwiches screamed things like “Help! It’s eating me!” and “I thought you were a dolphin!”

8) Illegitimate Mermaid Babies: I’m a loose guy and I have a weak spot for bad girls. If I hung out in the water all day it would only be a matter of time before I spotted some sexy redhead with starfish nipples and a wet slippery tail getting wasted on a cliff rock. Three bottles of gin, one night of crazy saltwater love making and 30 fish eggs later…now I have to name 30 different mutant offspring whose only special powers are that they can out drink their old man.

7) Fish Shit: I don’t think a lot of people realize this but fish have been shitting in the ocean pretty much since dinosaurs have been shitting in ocean. That’s a million plus years of beautiful blue shit water. If you like swimming in the toilet for recreational purposes by all means TREAT YOURSELF. You deserve it!

6) Shrimp: The only time I want those creepy little fuckers close to my beautiful body is when they’re skinned, beheaded and their corpses are submerged in a slightly fermented cocktail sauce of my choosing.

5) Expedited Mortality: How can doctors and scientists sit there and lie to our faces when it’s painfully clear that water makes you age faster. Swim for about 15 minutes then look at your hands and just TRY to tell me that you DON’T have the fingers of a 60 year old margarita maid with a casino addiction.

4) Seaweed: Can’t smoke it. Won’t get you high. Moving on.

3) The Temptation To Drown Myself: 

“Hello darkness, my old friend,
I’ve come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain Still remains…”

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to this suicide note.

2) Shipwreck Responsibilities: The ship is WRECKED. We’re all drowning. There’s only so much room on that tiny little rescue boat and I’ll be damned if I’m going to stop on my way there  and drag some weak child flapping around like a dying seagull with me! If you can’t swim to safety in a timely fashion then you probably wouldn’t have made it through adulthood anyways.

1) The Return Of Chthulu: Oh hey look at us! We’re having so much fun right now! The ocean is GREAT!  I’m glad we decided to take this little vacation and go scuba diving! Hey look! An octopus! Wait…does that octopus have wings? That’s kind of weird right? Wait, where did everyone go? Why is everything turning black? My skin hurts. Does anyone else feel like their tongue is trying to crawl out of their skull? Why is the SKY SCREAMING?! Why are all the fish exploding!? I can’t tell the difference between my brain and my hair anymore! Why are the shadows trying to make out with me?! My… ACK…gurgle…eck…

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