Ten Tips for Breaking Up with Your Sister

Jane Malone, contributor

Romance is hard, and incest only makes it more complex. We’ve compiled a list of 10 ways to make the transition from girlfriend back to just sibling easier for the whole family!

 

  1. BE SURE TO TAKE THE HIGH ROAD (In front of Mom & Dad, at least!)

You’ll need them on your side if it gets so ugly that one of you needs to move out. Make sure they see you being the calm, responsible sibling/former partner.

 

  1. SET BOUNDARIES EARLY

Especially if you share a bedroom. Remember: Hot breakups sex with your ex is only going               to muddy these already murky waters. Maybe ask her to move to the garage or basement. You’ll need your space to deal with the newfound relationship.

 

  1. LABEL YOUR FOOD

This Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food is NOT to ease her anguish. Don’t let her negative bullshit and thievery keep you from healing. It’s not even like she likes Phish Food. She’s a Cherry Garcia girl, and everyone knows that.

 

  1. DEFINE YOUR HOLIDAYS

Make sure you mark your parents and other family members now! You don’t want to get into a scheduling war. Maybe reserve her birthday, too. If it’s getting petty.

 

  1. FILE FOR CUSTODY EARLY

That sick sister had her brother’s kids. She’s clearly unfit to raise them!

 

  1. DON’T BE AFRAID TO STOOP (If you have to!)

When necessary, fight fire with fire, or use her toothbrush to exfoliate and bleach your anus. A lighter butthole is a happy butthole, after all!

 

  1. ACT BLISSFULLY HAPPY

Nothing drives your ex crazier than seeing you happier than you’ve ever been, before. Maybe look for love with a cousin or aunt? Get on out there and flirt it up!

 

  1. KEEP YOUR DISTANCE

If the breakup is really getting ugly, you might think about applying for that salmon cannery job you’ve had your eye on. Or, report her to the INS. She has it coming!

 

  1. DON’T FOCUS ON VENGEANCE

Never forget that living well is the best revenge! If you can’t do that, look for a spot next to a well. Access to clean water is no joking matter. It’ll save your life.

 

  1. GET CREATIVE
    Arson? Jazz flute? The possibilities are endless! Get out there and make your post-sister dreams happen! Nothing can stop you now!

 

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