That’s Two Damn Extreme: The Fall of Ray’s Chips

During the 1990s, the extreme food craze was at its height. The following is a transcript of a roundtable pitch meeting at Rays Extreme Chips moderated by CEO Raymond Samson III.

CEO: Alright guys we are getting killed by the other chip companies. Each one is more extreme than the next. Ruffles has a fully functioning potato dirt bike! For god’s sake, Doritos’ scientists have created a chip that high fives you every time you have one. We need ideas and we need them quick! Steve what do you have for me?

Steve: How about a chip that can feel pain? That’s pretty extreme.

CEO: JESUS CHRIST STEVE! That is absolutely horrible. That idea is literally the worst thing I have ever heard. Even worse than the “BBQ Bully” chip that gives you a wedgie every time you stop eating. Randal… any slogans? What do you have?

Randal: How about, “Rays Chips, slowly put them in your mouth, let flavor explode down your throat and dribble down your chin”?

CEO: GOD DAMN IT! Once again Randal, that is entirely way too sexual.

Randal: What parts?

CEO: All of it! It’s all way too sexual and for shit’s sake put some damn pants on! Holly, how about you? Any slogan ideas?

Holly: Okay I got it. This one is a winner. “Rays Chips, a crunch louder than the voice in your head telling you to start fires.”

CEO: NO! Damn it, for the last time absolutely no fires! Ted please tell me you have something?

Ted: You are in luck. The boys down at the lab and I have been working on a chip that you can have wet, hot, steamy…

CEO: No! For the love of all that is holy, no!

Ted: You didn’t let me finish. I was going to say a chip you can have sex with.

CEO: Ted, go sit in the shame corner until you realize why that is a terrible idea. Does anybody have any actual slogan ideas? Cheryl? How about you? What do you have?

Cheryl: How about, “Rays Chips, you can’t prove the Jews were not responsible for 9/11”?

CEO: HOLY CAT SHIT IN A HOBO’S MOUTH! NO! NO! NO! Do I have to say it every meeting? Absolutely no anti-Semitic slogans or ethnic slurs! Alright Carl you are the last one. Do you have anything that could be construed as a semblance of an idea?

Carl: Okay put down your pens gang I got this one covered. “Rays chips, a taste louder than your screams when you were molested at summer camp in 1976”.

CEO: All of you are fired! This has been the least productive meeting I have ever been a part of.

Days later Rays Chips unveiled their new slogan: “Put our fucking chips in your mouth or else”, with a picture of CEO Raymond Samson III holding a gun to his head. They were discontinued a month later.

About Josh Argyle

Josh Argyle is a Stand-up comedian and writer. He is the San Francisco bureau chief of Savage Henry Independent Times and contributing writer. He is a co-producer of the S.H.I.Ts and giggles comedy festival in Arcata California. You can check out Joshs website for videos and show dates. Are you still reading this? Jesus we are in a recession, go out and invent some shit.

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