That’s Two Damn Extreme: The Fall of Ray’s Chips

During the 1990s, the extreme food craze was at its height. The following is a transcript of a roundtable pitch meeting at Rays Extreme Chips moderated by CEO Raymond Samson III.

CEO: Alright guys we are getting killed by the other chip companies. Each one is more extreme than the next. Ruffles has a fully functioning potato dirt bike! For god’s sake, Doritos’ scientists have created a chip that high fives you every time you have one. We need ideas and we need them quick! Steve what do you have for me?

Steve: How about a chip that can feel pain? That’s pretty extreme.

CEO: JESUS CHRIST STEVE! That is absolutely horrible. That idea is literally the worst thing I have ever heard. Even worse than the “BBQ Bully” chip that gives you a wedgie every time you stop eating. Randal… any slogans? What do you have?

Randal: How about, “Rays Chips, slowly put them in your mouth, let flavor explode down your throat and dribble down your chin”?

CEO: GOD DAMN IT! Once again Randal, that is entirely way too sexual.

Randal: What parts?

CEO: All of it! It’s all way too sexual and for shit’s sake put some damn pants on! Holly, how about you? Any slogan ideas?

Holly: Okay I got it. This one is a winner. “Rays Chips, a crunch louder than the voice in your head telling you to start fires.”

CEO: NO! Damn it, for the last time absolutely no fires! Ted please tell me you have something?

Ted: You are in luck. The boys down at the lab and I have been working on a chip that you can have wet, hot, steamy…

CEO: No! For the love of all that is holy, no!

Ted: You didn’t let me finish. I was going to say a chip you can have sex with.

CEO: Ted, go sit in the shame corner until you realize why that is a terrible idea. Does anybody have any actual slogan ideas? Cheryl? How about you? What do you have?

Cheryl: How about, “Rays Chips, you can’t prove the Jews were not responsible for 9/11”?

CEO: HOLY CAT SHIT IN A HOBO’S MOUTH! NO! NO! NO! Do I have to say it every meeting? Absolutely no anti-Semitic slogans or ethnic slurs! Alright Carl you are the last one. Do you have anything that could be construed as a semblance of an idea?

Carl: Okay put down your pens gang I got this one covered. “Rays chips, a taste louder than your screams when you were molested at summer camp in 1976”.

CEO: All of you are fired! This has been the least productive meeting I have ever been a part of.

Days later Rays Chips unveiled their new slogan: “Put our fucking chips in your mouth or else”, with a picture of CEO Raymond Samson III holding a gun to his head. They were discontinued a month later.

About Josh Argyle

Josh Argyle is a Stand-up comedian and writer. He is the San Francisco bureau chief of Savage Henry Independent Times and contributing writer. He is a co-producer of the S.H.I.Ts and giggles comedy festival in Arcata California. You can check out Joshs website josh-argyle.com for videos and show dates. Are you still reading this? Jesus we are in a recession, go out and invent some shit.

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