Tom Bomb, contributor
There are many who believe dabs (oil) started back in the days of Moses and the “Burning Bush,” and for good reason — God supposedly told Moses that he can make a “healing oil” that can be used as medicine. Anyone who has taken a CBD dab can tell you that’s EXACTLY what God was describing. However, contrary to popular belief, this is not when dabs began. Oh no, this journey takes us to a time long before Moses, leading to a more exact comprehension of
life as a whole.
The very first dab was discovered in 710 B.C. by a caveman named Thomas BHOmbmus and his cave lady Glob Dropper. You see, BHOmbmus and Glob were the first cave people to create fire, an essential piece of the dabbing puzzle. The first fire was made on DMT after Thomas told Glob to cut her pubes, as he was also tired of orally pleasing Ms. Dropper and coming up flossing, which incidentally makes Glob Dropper the first dentist! After striking two stones together to make a spark into the kindling (utilizing the pubes, of course), twigs, and bark BHOmbmus gathered, the fire came into fruition.
After a long day of trimming, Thomas’s hands were resinated to the point where everything he
touched stuck to his phalanges. Glob grunted for him to put his hands to the fire. His hands
were so caked in oil that a deep fryer would’ve been jealous. BHOmbus lowered his hands to the burning cinders and a mushroom cloud plumed into his esophagus and commenced in a
coughing fit that lasted several minutes. His eyes became bloodshot and feeling a sense of
contentment, with a dry throat and a hunger deep in his belly, he and Glob realized that they
were on to something — and the dab was born.
With this newly-found glory, they made a larger version of what we know as a dab rig. Thomas
skinned a python and hardened out its skin, while Glob dug out a metal shard from the
mountainous terrain. Glob’s first dab didn’t go as planned, as she took one so massive it
would’ve tranquilized a whole mammoth! When she awoke a dabbed-out BHOmbus realized he wanted to start flossing.