The History of the Universe

Crancel T. Comptomptricks, contributor (Translated from Old English by Lester Z. Methmiths) 

Three incredibly long days ago I was awaken to the sound of something frightening.

Something I can only describe as disgust. Disgust at what is being taught to our larva. (By which I mean children.) They are being taught to think that plants and animals can change through something called evolution.

This is wrong.

For, you see, God created the universe 3,000 years ago. Then, instantly within the universe there was man. Rugged, clean shaven, and white; man was something to behold.

Eve was there, too, and she had three sons. Those three sons had three sons without any women because genetics didn’t exist then. Or now, I suppose. Anyway, God created a whole bunch of creatures for man to hunt. There were buffalo, ducks, dinosaurs, and maybe some herring.

Man feasted with woman and conquered the world without any science. All the species that aren’t around anymore were killed by man. Man was destined to rule this planet with an iron fist.

Someday Man may even conquer other planets, but through faith, not science. At any rate, our larva need to learn that God made man to smite animals for their arrogance.

For, you see, animals believe they have the right to live their own way.

This is wrong.

Animals are here to serve man’s faith and stomach. So, if you understand what I’m trying to say, then please join me in the Kansas school system.

About Savage Henry

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