The NHL season is underway, and that means that all of the several thousand fans of hockey in the United States are excited. But did you know that there is another country north of us, and it’s called Canada, and all of the people there love hockey?
To appease our readers in the Great White North, here follows a rundown of the players and teams you should be looking out for this NHL season:
* The Winnipeg Jets look tough, but even tougher should be the Charlottetown Buses, with star wing Joesephus Ryezerminzc leading the way. Defenceman Eiger Krommelweldt won the Craem Jynhsson trophy last season, so expect big things from the blueliners on this club as well.
* Conn Smythe award winner Haeru Nauggerfein heads the charge for the Yellowknife Purple Crickets, but watch out: Nauggerfein also won the Shmitz Clorellhuebor award and the Gearry Torkenshen trophy last season. Is he due for a letdown? Only his coach, Sir Halberth Dremmms, may have an inkling.
* Ottawa Senators be darned: the Thetford Mines Moose are on the prowl in Quebec. The Moose signed forward Neilless Harggennssenn to an unprecedented 30-year deal worth a cool $100 million, but until goalie Eslaybphe Tyars Shlekzcensczince heals from his shattered coccyx, the club’s full potential might not be realized until well past the solstice.
* Future Hall-of-Famer Oskkar-Hgaurms Whispel retired from the Regina Boatgoers, yes; but he stepped into a vital role as the club’s coach — filling the void created when previous coach Unsmerinec Liwssmyng was murdered by a yakherd — where he will direct heralded rookie Jjeps Vanderszmootensce and new defenceman signee Ygoire Mirramov-Korsmiransky-Tazerminke toward a shot at the Gorei Markovich Title, or at least the Ted Perkins Commendation out east.
* Yes, the most recent success stories in the NHL have been the Chicago Blackhawks and the LA Kings, but keep your eyes peeled for the Whitehorse Buzzing Insects and Small Annoying Animals, who finished 3rd in the Mid-Upper-Western-Northern area of the Reickard Nihms Conference last season. Centre Miercorpf Hagglermensch finished strong at the end of the 14-15 season, and Left Wing Fyodorskov Illyich Dastromonolskovemstry demonstrated a new-found love of tremendous high-stick violence, having paralyzed Iqaluit Baysiders wing D’Imbale Umbaka during last year’s All-Star game — an act which galvanized the Whitehorse fanbase.