The Shoechucker: My Freedom Can Beat Up Your Freedom

Choada Salinas, contributor

Our founding fathers invented freedom. America’s freedom is so awesome that everyone must sublimate to it, prostrate before it, and bear witness to the shock and awe that it demands. That’s why Chuck Norris is an American. His beard is a literal manifestation of American superiority. Behind every one of our freedoms is another freedom and we’re always ready to smash your face in with at least one of them.

That’s why when people in the rest of the world think of America they picture a screaming bald eagle clinging to a velociraptor riding a tyrannosaurus rex tearing through the streets of fascist Germany slaying the feminazis, coloreds and terrorists trying to take away our freedom by shoving their liberal agenda down our throats. Despite the awesome power of our freedom, certain people keep crying about ‘their’ rights. I’m not prejudiced, but look what happened last time we gave in to liberal lies about their so-called rights. Next thing we knew there was nationwide miscegenation, the price of the produce we need to feed our beef cattle skyrocketed, bras were burned like draft cards and the Doobie Brothers got popular.

The fact that those people keep using the word freedom creates a double crisis for our constitutional rights. First, the more they say freedom the less it really means. Second, they’re not actually asking for freedom, they’re asking for special privileges that they haven’t earned. Only my own freedom actually counts. Everything else is a restriction of my agency. Just in case it’s not clear, let me explain exactly how those people’s special privileges conflict with our freedom.

Women: I have the freedom to dictate how you will dress and behave. It’s right there in the word, “wo-men,” which literally means “woeful men” or, in classical terms, “men who have had their manhood kicked all the way into their gullets as punishment by god.” You have had 6000 years to make up for hornswoggling Adam into eating that evil apple. And just like women, you still refuse to do it. Not so much as a “gee, sorry for getting you evicted from paradise.” Until you make up for your immoral transgression, your filthy bodies will continue to mark you as an object of my freedom to objectify and molest you. Any demand to the contrary is a special privilege that you just don’t deserve.

Colored People: Forget all this “people-of-color” nonsense. Let’s use the term that we really mean: “colored people.” There’s a reason that we don’t just call them people, without qualification. The colored part means more than pigmentation. It’s a marker for which people truly deserve freedom and which ones deserve to be concentrated in welfare camps on the other side of the tracks. The lighter ones should be sent back to Mexico, though. Their existence violates the constitution. We could nip that one right in the bud by militarizing the border with land mines and drones carrying phosphorous bombs. That means both borders. We have to keep those pinko Canadians out, too. They may look white. But don’t let that fool you. Treading on the blessed soil of this great nation is a privilege subject to my free will.

Terrorists: Our freedom means that they don’t have the privilege to worship false idols or to resist the divine benevolence of our multinational corporations. Since they hate our freedom so much, we should give them a taste of it. It tastes like a lit match and it’s going to blow their brown heathen asses back into the barren sand from whence they came. Our freedom is coming whether they like it or not.

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