The World is a Cold, Cold Place

Mankind has been slowly spiraling a whirlpool that will eventually destroy us all, ever since Al Gore invented global warming. No matter our efforts to cut carbon emissions, put a cap on greenhouse gases, or expend energy on reducing, reusing, and recycling, nothing has truly halted the inevitable decline of our planet’s habitability. Humankind’s numbered days become more obvious as the Earth gets hotter, the glaciers melt, and sea levels rise. We’ve even seen an increase in devastating storms, as well as Earthquakes and tsunamis. If you really think about it, Mother Nature is a genocidal maniac.

If you read the Nature issue of Savage Henry, December 2012, in an article titled “The World & I Are In Court Ordered Counseling,” you’d remember that one of my approaches to dealing with this was to stop recycling and throw all of our garbage into the oceans instead. I said we needed to add to the floating, giant plastic swirl, this way, when the ocean levels have risen enough to submerge the continents, we’d have a floating island to survive on. You’ve all see Kevin Costner in Waterworld, right? “Dry land is not a myth… it’s just fucking made of plastic.”

I made a mistake in that same article, though. I suggested, in order to thin the population, we should remove the warning labels from everything and let nature run its course, like our own little Darwinian experiment. As an adjunct to this, I had also dreamt of one day inventing an alternate version of the IQ test, which would cause an aneurysm in anyone who took that test with an IQ of 70 or less.

The main reason why both of these theories are flawed is that a decaying human body generates an incredible amount of carbon dioxide, as well as methane and other gases that, in small doses are normally no danger to the environment. Given how many human beings would die from either one of those experiments, it would not be a small dose, but an overdose for our planet. Scientists refer that as a “tipping point” for global warming, where the planet becomes exponentially more habitable for life as we know it.

I think that the only appropriate plan of action is to start recruiting human beings for the future. Eventually, science will take us to a place where diseases, disorders, and permanent injuries are a thing of the past. A world where cryogenics have been mastered, interstellar space

travel is not a thing of fiction, and where we have attained a respectable level of homeostasis with the Earth. What we need to do is start a program in which people, ones who want to live in that world, volunteer to be frozen, and for their sacrifice, we promise to reanimate them once we’ve got everything figured out.

The human body is comprised of approximately 60% water, so if we were to start some sort of living graveyard in the antarctic, we’d actually be adding to the glaciers, in a sense, making them bigger. At the same time, we’d be trapping in the massive amounts of gas that the dead bodies would have released into the atmosphere, not forgetting the immeasurable amounts of waste and pollution they would have generated with the rest of their lives. It’s a win-win situation, where we’d be thinning the world of people who are dumb enough to believe that we’d actually wake them back up, and at the same time we’d be taking an effective step towards healing the damage that our civilization has caused.

Nobel Prize, here I come!

About Joe Deschaine

Maine born comedian, currently based out of Arcata, California. Co-founder of BA-DUM-CHH Comedy, and staff writer for Savage Henry Magazine, Joe "Whiskey Whiskers" Deschaine has worked tirelessly to help revive the ha-has in Humboldt. He took 3rd place in the "comedians" category in The Northcoast Journal's "Humboldt's Best Of 2012", was dubbed "Humboldt's Hardest Working Comedian" by the S.H.I.T. crew, and won 2 mustache competitions in March of 2013. Joe is America's unrivaled leader in rollerblade based humor.

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