The Wrath of the Undertaker

Dash Kwiatkowski, contributor

Agent: Mr. President, we’re here to warn you about the greatest threat our nation has ever faced.

President: Is this about ISIS?


Agent: No… the Undertaker, sir.

President: I’m sorry, the Undertaker?  The pro wrestler?


Agent: That’s right.  He’s gone mad with power, and now he’s chokeslamming everyone, sir.  Chokeslamming them to hell.

President: Now, forgive me, I thought that pro wrestling was fake … or scripted.


Agent: Tell that to the Vice President, sir.  Oh you can’t. He’s in hell.

President: I thought The Undertaker was just a tough biker guy.


Agent: Good God, sir, that was just his persona in the late 90s/Early 2000s. He’s long since returned to his ways of Dark Wizardry and now he’s chokeslamming everyone he can find … to hell.

President: Well what have we sent to stop him?


Agent: We’ve sent in the Marines.

President: And?


Agent: Chokeslammed to hell.

President: Damn. What else?


Agent: Fighter Jets.

President: And Fighter Jets couldn’t take him down?


Agent: He chokeslammed those to hell too, sir.

President: Have we gone nuclear?


Agent: Any and all nukes we’ve sent against the Undertaker have been chokeslammed to hell, sir.

President: Good God. Well, is there anyone who can defeat him?


Agent: Dave Batista.

President: Great, let’s get him.


Agent: We can’t sir, he’s too busy doing films to wrestle.

President: Wasn’t he in The Man With the Iron Fists? That movie was terrible.


Agent: Of course it was, sir.  But have you seen Guardians of the Galaxy?  That was a delightful romp.

President: Damn. Well, is there anything else that can defeat him?


Agent: Well, it’s possible for someone to defeat him in an Inferno match.

President: That’s too dangerous! Won’t the flames burn anyone who steps outside of the ring?


Agent: Actually, sir, the flames are angled so as not to injure anyone seriously, in spite of their apparent danger.

President: Well then set one up. Can we get Macho Man?


Agent: Dead, sir.

President: Chris Benoit?


Agent: Dead.

President: Hollywood Hulk Hogan?


Agent: He won’t help us, sir; he’s a bad guy.

President: How about John Cena?


Agent: Sorry sir, but I can’t support a plan involving John Cena.

President: Is he dead, or evil, or busy doing movies?


Agent: No, sir. He’s just really, really lame.

President: Then God help us all.

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