Dash Kwiatkowski, contributor
Agent: Mr. President, we’re here to warn you about the greatest threat our nation has ever faced.
President: Is this about ISIS?
Agent: No… the Undertaker, sir.
President: I’m sorry, the Undertaker? The pro wrestler?
Agent: That’s right. He’s gone mad with power, and now he’s chokeslamming everyone, sir. Chokeslamming them to hell.
President: Now, forgive me, I thought that pro wrestling was fake … or scripted.
Agent: Tell that to the Vice President, sir. Oh you can’t. He’s in hell.
President: I thought The Undertaker was just a tough biker guy.
Agent: Good God, sir, that was just his persona in the late 90s/Early 2000s. He’s long since returned to his ways of Dark Wizardry and now he’s chokeslamming everyone he can find … to hell.
President: Well what have we sent to stop him?
Agent: We’ve sent in the Marines.
Agent: Chokeslammed to hell.
President: Damn. What else?
Agent: Fighter Jets.
President: And Fighter Jets couldn’t take him down?
Agent: He chokeslammed those to hell too, sir.
President: Have we gone nuclear?
Agent: Any and all nukes we’ve sent against the Undertaker have been chokeslammed to hell, sir.
President: Good God. Well, is there anyone who can defeat him?
Agent: Dave Batista.
President: Great, let’s get him.
Agent: We can’t sir, he’s too busy doing films to wrestle.
President: Wasn’t he in The Man With the Iron Fists? That movie was terrible.
Agent: Of course it was, sir. But have you seen Guardians of the Galaxy? That was a delightful romp.
President: Damn. Well, is there anything else that can defeat him?
Agent: Well, it’s possible for someone to defeat him in an Inferno match.
President: That’s too dangerous! Won’t the flames burn anyone who steps outside of the ring?
Agent: Actually, sir, the flames are angled so as not to injure anyone seriously, in spite of their apparent danger.
President: Well then set one up. Can we get Macho Man?
Agent: Dead, sir.
President: Chris Benoit?
President: Hollywood Hulk Hogan?
Agent: He won’t help us, sir; he’s a bad guy.
President: How about John Cena?
Agent: Sorry sir, but I can’t support a plan involving John Cena.
President: Is he dead, or evil, or busy doing movies?
Agent: No, sir. He’s just really, really lame.
President: Then God help us all.