Things Star Wars Taught Me

Tiffany Greysen, contributor

Star Wars taught me I had shitty parents. My parents never took me anywhere and we never did anything fun. There was only one movie that my parents ever took me to see, and that was Return of the Jedi, and only because an uncle was in town to visit. They talked about that movie for years, it was talked about in a way that you would have thought we had attended the Grammys. It got just as much talk-time as when we had free cable for over a year because we had stolen it off of the rich neighbors.   

Other, less terrible things, I learned from Star Wars:

A first grader cannot do her own hair in Princess Leia buns, no matter how hard she tries.

At some point, you’re going to lose a hand.

Small green aliens are always endearing.

Carrie Fisher had real boobs.

White turtle neck frock dresses look shitty on everyone, even if you’re a princess.  

A 10-year-old cannot do her own hair in Princess Leia buns, no matter how hard she tries.

I still get Carrie Fisher and Patti Reagan confused.

Men love gold bikinis, thanks to Princess Leia.

A 15-year-old cannot do her hair in Princess Leia buns, no matter how hard she tries.

When a small green endearing alien dies, people will cry.

Space is 99% men.

Chewy is a whiny bitch.

Princess Leia’s lipstick was always perfect.

Talking in a sharp tone does not make you a princess.

Baby Ewoks are adorable.

I had a weird crush on Jabba the Hut, all which became clear why after years of therapy.

Han Solo, the character, is an over-actor.

You should always know who your siblings are, so you don’t kiss them.

People can have British accents even in space.

Princess Leia buns are a big fat lie, and you can’t have them, no matter how hard you try.

No one in space seems to know who their real parents are.

Luke’s dad would have never stolen cable.

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