Michel Sargent, contributor
When you can’t regular-birth babies, try Test Tube Babies (1948), where they ask the big questions like, “Why can’t things be like always?” After a written introduction that lays out the entire movie, it unfolds in terrible soap opera-like melodrama. To keep you watching, there’s half-naked dance numbers and topless girl-on-girl battles thrown in.
A harassed teen woman, en route to be forced into Slaves In Bondage (1937), chooses plan B; Jumping from the car of her fondler while the driver laughs about “pulling a boner.” The working girls leer hungrily at one another, a manicure shop caters seemingly only to men, and a very-friendly-with-each-other male slapstick duo entertains no one.
When a second-rate, down-on-his-luck hypnotist can’t make it on local television, he starts The Love Cult (1966), preaching fiery sermons about love, joining at the crotches, and “the climax of the now.” A rich nympho opens up her house and legs, tempting the fateful Mansoning/Jonesing/Koreshing that free-love cults tend to cultivate.
Mundo Depravados (World of the Depraved) (1967) is a terribly-written murder mystery with a peeping tom TV dancercise leader, incompetent cops, a peeping tom elevator operator, weird boring sex scenes, and a “sex monster.” Plan B is watching anything else.
Gonks Go Beat (1965) is a terribly-shot on-stage with obviously painted backdrops and super cool mod vs rockers musical. The Space Council is concerned about a war on Earth between the lands of Balladisle and Beatland, so an inept Martian is sent to make peace; but the soft swaying vs. wild swingin’ feud forces him to plan B: Romeo and Juliet the two lands together. The “Romeo” is sent to prison and subjected to a 9-person drum jam (INCREDIBLE!), resulting in an epic musical band army rock and roll battle (WTF!), and climaxing in a battle of the bands to claim the honored “Golden Guitar,” with the losers getting their gear confiscated for 10 months. Damn!
Confessions of a Psycho Cat (1968) begins with a woman at a party disturbed by everyone fornicating nakedly and upset that there’s “nothing stronger here than pot, like real ‘narcotics.’” The “narcotics” dealer is being chased by a crazy woman who is upset that she couldn’t go on safari. Plan B is she offers $100,000 to the dealer, a snobbish theatre actor, and an arrogant pro-wrestler if they can survive her hunting skills for 24 hours. Producers weren’t impressed with the original “horror” part of the story so 2 years after production decided plan B was better and added the naked orgy party.
When plan B fails there’s always Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959), the original best worst movie and Ed Wood’s “Citizen Kane” (though his previous failures are pretty spectacular). When all other plans fail, condescending skirt-wearing space beings in flying pie tins create a 3-person army of controllable zombies in an effort to force earthlings to “accept their existence and believe in the facts…”