Rob McManus, cotnributor
Step one: Get a tie from the store. Ties are expensive, so your best bet would be to steal it. What I do is I make sure the coast is clear, and then I cram the tie in-between my butt cheeks. Make sure to do a good job wiping your ass prior to this, because one time I didn’t, and I ended up being the “Guy who smelled like straight Shit” at the symphony.
Step two: Tying the darn thing. Tying the tie is the hardest thing about tying a tie. What I do is make thumbs up with my right hand and with my left hand; I scrunch the Tie up into a ball and then hurl it back at the other hand. With any luck, the tie will wrap around your right hand thumb like Indiana Jones’ whip around a branch. Once this is achieved, squat down until your buttocks are almost touching the floor and then shoot straight up with as much strength as you can muster. This will cause the tie to leave your hand and hopefully wrap itself around your neck.
Now, rocking back and forth while screaming, look towards the heavens and… you know what? I’m a liar. I don’t know how to tie a tie. I was hoping that people would stop reading this and just assume the rest of the article was correct and I could be known as the guy who knew how to tie a tie. To be totally honest with you I was born without a neck, so I can never tie a tie so don’t you feel bad. That’s a lie too, I have a neck, and I really don’t know why I keep lying. Maybe I lie because I lost my magical powers to the Dark Wizard of Granborf on the Eve of a Thousand Beauties and I’m trying to make up for how naked I feel without the aforementioned magical powers.
Jesus Christ, I’m still lying. I’m not a wizard, nor do I have magical powers, I’m just a talking tiger with four tiger cubs to support because my bitch of a tiger wife left me without so much of a… I’m not a tiger. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Why DO I LIE??? Why can’t I just be comfortable with who I am? And who I am is a flying windmill that solves math problems with a talking crayon who speaks in a British accent. I also have $12,000 in my wallet at all times and every girl in the world wants to be my girlfriend but do I let them? No cause I’m mad at girls because they don’t like me and I hate them I’m going to live on Mars screw this planet it’s full of losers who think that tying ties is so cool but I have news for them it’s not I hate them I hate them I hate