Tony Persico, contributor
This timeline focuses on the most important and most influential achievements, inventions, and advances that have occurred over the last 200 years. I performed several minutes of research to ensure that every detail is factually accurate, because I care enough to educate as well as entertain. But then I got bored around the year 2000 and stopped – figure the rest out yourselves. Enjoy!
1814 – The first plastic surgery is performed. Joan Rivers was very happy with the procedure.
1824 – Michael Faraday invented the toy balloon, but his daughter let it go, it floated away, someone else found it and took credit for it.
1836 – The first revolver was invented, followed shortly by the first post office shooting spree.
1849 – Walter Hunt invents the safety pin after several failed attempts kill his wife and children.
1866 – Alfred Nobel invents dynamite. So, how did a prize for peace get named after that guy?
1880 – The British Perforated Paper company invents a form of toilet paper. I don’t even want to know what they were doing before that.
1886 – The first dishwasher was invented, but it turns out it was just some Filipino guy named Santos.
1889 – The matchbook was created, replacing the lesser known matchmagazine.
1903 – Mary Anderson invents windshield wipers, preventing motorists from having to get out of their car every few seconds while it’s raining.
1904 – Tea Bagging was invented by Thomas Sullivan. (Correction – Tea Bags, not Tea Bagging)
1913 – Both the bra and the zipper were born the same year, so why don’t bras have zippers?
1918 – Fortune cookies were invented. At some point later in the 20th Century they stopped telling fortunes and started giving advice. For some reason we still haven’t changed the name to advice cookies.
1921 – John Larson invented the lie detector, and was then immediately incarcerated for failing the test.
1924 – Notebooks with spiral binding were invented, ensuring that generations of left handed people would have to use them backwards.
1932 – Carl C Magee invents the first parking meter. Fuck Carl C Magee!
1935 – The first canned beer was made. The first liquor store parking lot fight followed about an hour later.
1940 – Dr. Wilhelm Reich creates the Orgone Accumulator before the government shuts him down and confiscates his research. No seriously. Look it up and learn something, you lazy bastards.
1943 – James Wright invented Silly Putty, after his earlier invention, Serious Putty didn’t sell.
1947 – Earl Silas Tupper patented the Tupperware seal, eight years before he invented Tupperware.
1949 – Cake mix was invented. Come on, it took us until 1949 to figure out that you could just put all the dry ingredients in a box and sell it?
1951 – Super Glue invented. Huffers everywhere rejoice.
1956 – Pledge cleaner launched. Fabulous lemon scent to come later.
1959 – The Barbie Doll was invented, helping to create millions of cases of anorexia and bulimia for years to come.
1961 – Valium invented. Housewives everywhere rejoice.
1962 – Both the first computer video game and silicone breast implants were invented, making 1962 a banner year for teenage boys.
1967 – The first handheld calculator was invented. Math skills rapidly deteriorate.
1969 – The artificial heart was created, and the artificial soul followed soon after.
1972 – Hacky Sack invented. Stoners everywhere rejoice.
1973 – Bic invents the disposable lighter. Torch sales plummet.
1979 – Walkman invented. Sony’s attempts to market Walkerman to the elderly fail miserably.
1982 – Human Growth Hormone first engineered in lab. Athletes worldwide immediately deny using it.
1986 – Synthetic skin invented. That’s right folks, there are real Terminators out there! Somebody find John Connor, quick!
1990 – The World Wide Web is created. Pornographers everywhere rejoice.
1992 – The smart pill was invented, and we’re still waiting for it to take effect.
1998 – Viagra invented. Penis’s everywhere rejoice.
2000 – Segway invented. Rich douchebags everywhere rejoice.