Toilet Terror

Trevor Lockwood, contributor


Going to the bathroom at home for the most part is a sacred and private matter.The unfortunate thing about the human body, though, is that it can sometimes be unpredictable while you’re out and about. That’s where “public” bathrooms come in. Of course these shared poop dens aren’t always public; sometimes you have to be some sort of paying customer to have the privilege to test the plumbing. Regardless, this isn’t your home, and this room has been attacked by social terrorists. Be on the lookout for these culprits and notice the signs of their dastardly work, though you’d probably never match a face to the crime.

The Mysterious Missing TP

There are those few times where not only are you in need of a water bowl to dispense a load, but you’re also in a rush to unload quickly. You come in, sit down, and just empty your bowels. When you’re finished you reach up and touch cardboard. Out of toilet paper. All because some inconsiderate fool probably took those last few squares of paper lifeline and blew their nose and decided not to inform anyone. The shit-sheets are out and they didn’t even have the decency to change the roll themselves.

Jackson Pollock Looking Back at You

If you’re lucky enough to be in a bathroom with an actual mirror, not that that fake reflective metal or just one torn off from the wall, then you have an exclusive viewing. You’re front and center with the artwork of whoever decided this is the perfect place to empty their face of all of the dirt and oils they have been carrying around all day. Not just a squirt, but smeared as far as the scumbag could get that gunk across the glass. I’d ask how they could look at themselves in the mirror, but you already know they don’t care and are working on a new piece just under their skin.

Pick Your Seat

Being trapped in a stall can be a mundane thing. If you don’t have your phone on your person then you’d have to take in the scenery while you sit. There is a special kind of “sculptor” who would also occupy the same space at some other time and decide to put up decorations. The wall, now coated with the green cement paste straight from their nose. A slowly building mountain of snot spackle to liven up the room, something that draws the eye and makes you stick around. A stronger message than a lame limerick written in sharpie. Better to see this than some gang tag claiming squatters’ rights.

I cannot fathom how this comes to be, and how it can be left behind. The poop left on the back of the toilet seat. Was this mysterious stranger just actively pooping before even sitting down? Were they confident enough in their shitty job of wiping that they stand up and just leave the toilet behind, unchecked? All it takes is one look down, and when you see the the toilet’s shitty Hitler mustache, your poop is ruined. If this is the only toilet you can occupy then now it’s your job to clean up after some sloppy asshole before your needs are met.

Glory Glory

The last and lowest of the bathroom strangers is the most vile to enter any bathroom. Bringing a tool kit with them to ever so sneakily carve a small tunnel from one stall to another. Whoever the hell is on the other side just won’t take “no” for an answer as well. They disturb your experience of silence, keep trying to draw your attention with a beckoning finger, poking you in the side with who knows what. Then on top of all of that, worst of all, they won’t give you that $20 you worked pretty hard for.


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