Too Legitimized to Abandon

William Toblerone, contributor

Congratulations on purchasing your new GoodCitizen™ Legal Intoxication Kit! You’ve chosen the nation’s only fully legal method of acquiring genuine Schedule II pharmaceutical narcotics without a prescription.  

Please check the contents of your package thoroughly to ensure that it contains the following items:

1 Cardigan Welsh Corgi™ puppy

1 business card for John Mellencamp’s agent

1 non-refundable round trip plane ticket to New York City

The first thing to do is remove the puppy from the KeepStill™ styrofoam case and feed him.  Not so fast with that Purina Mail-Order Dog Formula. This is a special dog. Your future buzz is in his paws. Feed him the expensive shit.

Next, teach him to saunter on a leash with perfect strides. Practice six hours every day. He must have an elite saunter. Never forget that the most important element of an elite corgi saunter is constant encouragement. Keep Gwyneth Paltrow’s Self-Assurance™ audiobook playing on a loop and discuss key points of her teachings with your corgi. Leave sticky notes of inspiration at corgi-eye level, with messages like “You are the Messiah” and “Float like a corgi, sting like a corgi.™”

Now, use the handy airplane tickets to fly both of you to New York City. All roundtrip tickets originate in Cincinnati. You are responsible for your transportation to the Cincinnati Airport. When you arrive in New York, enter and win the Westminster Dog Show. Accept your generous prize money™. Now you have lots of cash. I know what you’re thinking. Having lots of money is great, but it won’t help you get high. Don’t worry. We’ve got you covered.

Upon returning home, immediately contact the agent for John Mellencamp. Use your generous prize money™ to hire John Mellencamp to play a private concert in your backyard. Allow the corgi to watch the concert from the front row. This may seem obvious, but remember that if you get in the way of a corgi’s view of a John Mellencamp concert, he will maul the ever-living shit out of your legs and no jury would blame him.

While John Mellencamp is churning out the best damn show that anyone has ever witnessed, go online and convert your money to bitcoins. At the end of the night, explain to John Mellencamp that his performance fee will be paid in bitcoins.

Did he stab you in the face? Yep, he does that every time. Now your work is finished. Ease into your ambulance ride. Here comes the morphine. Sweet, sweet morphine. You are soooooo high, dude™. You’re welcome.

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