Leslie Small, contributor
1. VIP status with ACME CO.
Companies today should take note; ACME CO was serious about customer service. Exploding tennis balls? Check. Earthquake pills? Check. Rocket powered anything, including unicycles? Check. Those fuckers would deliver anywhere, from your house to the desert, to the room you’re standing in, shit you didn’t even need a valid postal address! Not to mention their selection of booby traps and heavy objects! If I had a nickel for every time I could’ve dropped an anvil on someone’s head, BUT THE DON’T DELIVER THAT THERE, I’d have a metric fuck ton of nickels. And don’t get me started on trying to order those crates of TNT…fucking NSA. Amazon, get your shit together.
2.Magical Olfactory Powers.
A pie so delicious and hot, it must be placed on the window sill to cool! Then the supernatural power of aforementioned pastry ACTIVELY SEARCHES OUT A VICTIM LIKE SOME SORT OF VOODOO WITCHCRAFT! Tendrils of deliciousness invading the nostrils of the affected, long before hentai was even a thing, reeling them back to the origin of this spell! Once they feast their eyes on the culinary delight intoxicating their souls, they get down in a way which can only be described as ravenous. If this was an actual thing, I would likely use it to fuck with people at the gym, and most importantly have a valid reason for my late night doughnut binges.
3. Injuries Sminjuries.
Fuck being bullet proof, these bastards are dynamite proof. Anvil dropped on your head? No prob, you’ve flattened into the ground and pop up busted but not broken. Stuck holding what you thought was a cigar but is a stick of dynamite? Alright, we’ll leave your head attached but you’re going to have soot on your face, and your eyebrows are gone until the next scene! That mallet to the head give you a big ‘ol bump? LOL, just push it back into your head or put a tiny bowler hat on it. Blasted in the face with a shotgun? Well if you’re a duck your bill will simply retreat to the back of your head and you just spin it around to make a witty remark. (Shot in the face by Cheney? You simply retreat back to your PR camp and spin it around into you apologizing to Mr. Cheney for having a face that’s too damn shootable!) Implementing slapstick injuries would make war coverage more bearable to watch!
4. Unlimited Pocket Space.
Imagine having everything you’ve ever wanted at your fingertips and you don’t even have to wear pants! These fools bust out with rotary phones, mallets, barber supplies, flowers (both real and water squirting) carrots, you name it they had it. On demand. Can you even imagine how fucking awesome that would be?!?! Currently our pocket space is severely limited, girls’ jeans are so tight you can barely fit a tube of chapstick in there and men’s pants are vying for a very close second. You can always keister bunny that shit, women only have a slight advantage here, what with being able to stash things in the vag as well, but I don’t recommend it, I once forgot I had a pack of gum and a pen up there and washed it, and well things got really messy, and sometimes I squirt ink like an octopus. But on the bright side, my queefs are rather minty. That’s really why we need this.