Top 5 Things I Thought Were Illegal

Alyssa Cowan, contributor

In today’s complex world of rules, it’s hard to tell what’s okay to do and what isn’t. For many laws, it’s still impossible to know! In the interest of commiserating, and letting you know that it’s okay to still be confused, I’ve put together a list of things I thought were illegal, but aren’t.

  1. Christians Reading Porn Books – I thought that, per law, the only way for Christians to read porn novels is if they met two criteria: 1.) They’re married; 2.) They crossed out all the names of characters and wrote in their own name along with their spouse’s. After many conversations with confused Christian fans of 50 Shades of Grey, I have come to realize this is not the case.
  2. Being a White Very Bald Guy Without a Goatee – Because of the prevalence of men like Stone Cold Steve Austin and everyone’s father-in-law, I thought it was illegal for a white man to be very bald and not have a goatee. I’m not talking “some left around the sides” bald, like, really bald. It turns out that it’s not illegal as proven by the existence of Patrick Stewart, Bruce Willis, Mr. Clean, and your friend Mark that you all make fun of.
  3. Parking Functional Cars in Yards – When I was a teen I thought that only broken-down cars were allowed to be stored in yards instead of a proper driveway, garage, or street parking. I thought this because I got shouted at when I parked my truck on a friend’s lawn next to a broken-down 1987 Chevy Nova. In that situation, my friend’s parents considered me the bad guy! They yelled at me until I moved the truck. I couldn’t fathom the possibility of breaking the law, so I looked it up and it wasn’t not illegal. Legally speaking, parking my truck on their grass was only considered “Not cool, man, not cool.”
  4. Refraining from Eating Bread at a Buffet – Naturally, growing up in a place where buffets were a form of “fancy food,” I was taught to focus on pricier food to “get our money’s worth.” My parents warned of, “filling up on bread, that’s where they get you!” However, when I stood in buffet lines, I noticed all the patrons ahead of me taking bread. I also noticed a chef carving prime rib, staring down the folks who did not take bread. I came to fear the mean-mugging chef, and assumed that a man in uniform only stares you down if you’re doing something illegal. After extensive research and a long email chain with Golden Corral officials, I have confirmed that you can indeed bypass the bread and “get your money’s worth.”
  5. Being a Man Who Is Fully Employed on a Dating Website – Still not sure about this one. I don’t know if I’ve been on a date with one yet.

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