Dave Losso, contributor
A colony of ants can devour your plants. Line your planter walls with sticky traps and if you can find the hill and plant a poison trap nearby. You can also spray it with a hose if you’re into that.
Rats not only eat your crops but they also contaminate your entire garden with plague. Classic snap traps work the best; try placing some behind the plants and some on nearby ledges. If you’re looking for a more humane method, leave behind a tiny sign that says “Do Not Walk Here” and pretend rats can read and do not respect the law.
Rabbits love any leaf based plants and, just like in the cartoons, carrots. The key to keeping rabbits out out of your garden is to locate and fight the strongest rabbit. This will have to be a fight to the death. Bonus: if you wear its blood around your backyard, the other rabbit will understand the concept of religion.
Deceased Homeless Person
A pile of hay and broken twigs may sound like a warm bed to someone who believes the Bible (or just drank an entire bottle of Scope to get hammered), but really it means the middle school field trip visiting your little farm learns lessons in both life and socioeconomics.
Haunted Corn Maze
It might sound like a good use of dead corn stalks, but ultimately it’s you, dressed as werewolf, accidentally jumping out at two teens fingerbanging. Or even worse, you think you’re about to jump out at two teens fingerbanging, but it turns out to be a deceased homeless person.