Top 5 WILD Animals We SHOULD Have Evolved From

Paul Danke, contributor

Everyone knows that human beings evolved from apes (probably) and what a colossal fuck-up that turned out to be; apes don’t even have tails. But what, should “(wo)man” have evolved from, monkeys? We’d be so tiny! Tails yes, but so tiny. Sure, we would probably use less in the way of fossil fuels, thus slowing our eventual doom as a society, but I digress … here are the Top 5 WILD Animals We SHOULD Have Evolved From.


Just imagine how much better MMA would be; for that matter, all professional sports (though nothing could save golf – barf, so boring.)! With lovemaking, every sexual tryst would feel like an ancient roman orgy, and it turns out octopuses hook up with pretty much any octopus that shows up, unless of course the female is bigger than the male, then she just eats his ass.


Ever heard of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Yeah, that looks pretty sick. I could be a turtle, no problem. Obviously they didn’t have a hard time pulling babes, but they were also much better at processing dairy than 90% of American children.


Everyone would look so classy. Plus it’d knock that smug George Clooney off his high horse. Hey, look at us, Clooney. Now we all look like classy silver foxes. Now you are nothing. Quack, quack, more fish, please.

Spotted Hyenas

Not only would all of us look like those badass dogs from The Lion King, but the female hyena’s clitoris is so enlarged that it actually looks like a penis. They even give birth out of it. Not only would that make romcom baby delivery scenes crazier, it’d probably solve institutionalized gender bias and put an end to black market fur trade.


Ah, the wisdom of our gentle, gigantic cousins, the Sasquatch, majestic and proud, bold and humble. These gorgeous creatures understand and love our planet, and maybe if we grew from a nobler beast we too could find time to be kind to this planet … also I know for a fact that Bigfoots blaze tough with, I’m assuming, some very high tolerance.

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