Andre Parker, contributor
Recently, while under the influence of some particularly friendly mushrooms, I found myself tripping over a tear in the fabric of space and time. Well, to be more precise, I fell 20 years into the future! I saw many strange and awesome things and unusual advances in technology, science and society as a whole. I also had sex with a garden hose and and drew a picture of a windowless house…but that’s beyond the point. BEHOLD! These are the TOP TEN EXTREMELY AWESOME THINGS I SAW IN THE FUTURE!
10. GIANT DOMESTICATED CATS
While celebrities with tiny little dogs may be the hot trend now, in the future the craze is GIANT CATS. That’s right. Domesticated cats the size of dogs to be exact. In the year 2033 it’s not too uncommon to see a hip 20-something super model in Beverly Hills with a 4-foot tall tabby cat licking it’s own ass while staring you dead in the eye.
9. RECYCLED CIGARETTES
In the future the tobacco industry has apparently found a way to TRIPLE its profits by building recycling centers for cigarette butts. For 5 bucks on the pound you can trade in all your butts and ashes for cold hard cash. In return The companies then take all the ashes, crush them down and spray them with nicotine then re-package them to create new cigarettes that are resold at a discounted price. There is also a cure for cancer in the future but it’s expensive and doesn’t look as cool.
8. THE DECRIMINALIZATION OF CRIMINAL ACTIVITY
That’s right! All crime is legal in the future because crime doesn’t exist! By legalizing crime we’ve created a world where everything is legal! Theft, arson, murder, public breast feeding and gay marriage… all these criminal acts from our present day primitive judicial system are now totally legal and flourishing beautifully outside the boundaries of law! What boundaries of law? EXACTLY.
7. TRUTH DETECTORS
Scientist of the future have concluded that it is far easier to tell if someone is telling the truth then it is to find out if someone is lying. So all lie detectors have been reconfigured to only identify the truth. When confronted with a lie, truth detectors will passively suggest that you rethink your answer until you tell the truth. Truth detectors are especially popular in Neo- San Francisco and on first dates.
8. HANGOVER COUCHES
In the future brilliant minds have discovered that the majority of hangover victims spend 80% of their recovery time on the couch. From this study engineers from around the world came together and constructed a “Hangover Couch” the couch injects the user with orange juice and diner grease during incubation while also screening reruns of the Sopranos. Seating capacity is three. Powered by blackouts and regret.
6. RACIAL MODIFICATION SOCKS
Are you a black person tired of being stared at every time you shop at Whole Foods? Or are you a white person tired of getting harassed every time you go to buy drugs in the “bad part” otown? In the future, racial modification socks let you walk the mean streets with ease and still keep that high paying job as marketing director of Google. Just slip on a pair and watch as respect from person to person magically becomes mutual! Gender modification socks coming soon!
5. ALPHABETICAL CLOCKS
Life is rough in the future. Between the privatized kill squads and the spontaneous black holes that randomly show up whenever you say “Oprah” it’s nearly impossible to imagine a world where 24 hours is enough to live off of. That’s why the government converted all instruments that measure time into an alphabetical format. Thus giving us 26 hours to avoid death instead of the lame 24 we are currently restricted to.
Let’s face it, frequent use of hope has ruined many lives and given hundreds of people false inspiration and elevated delusions
of grandeur nationwide. In the future, our flawless government recognizes this so any person found to be in the possession of hope is jailed and/or sentenced to death based on the amount of hope they are found desperately grasping on to at any given time. AWESOME.
3. BABY ZOOS
In the future, politicians and sociologists have found a solution to the economic burdens of a constantly failing school system and overpopulation while also finding a way to turn a profit. From the ages of 2-18, children are taken from their parents and raised in a state approved compound where they are fed, bathed, and educated in open air enclosures. Is your significant other nagging you about having a baby? Just take him or her to the baby zoo to curb those biological cravings! Admission is free every third Tuesday of the month!
2. HYPER INTELLIGENT BEAR MONKEYS
HYPER INTELLIGENT BEAR MONKEYS !
1. INTOXICATION SUPPRESSANTS
The best invention yet! The great minds of the future came together and created an oral spray that will suppress your limits of intoxication far beyond what is humanly possible with modern day medicines. Feel like you’re going to vomit after that 6th shot of Jameson? Spray some FDA approved intoxication suppressant down your throat and you’ll be good to go for another 10 shots! Unfortunately it DOES NOT suppress liver failure and the angel of death.