William Toblerone, contributor
Oh Hey! What’s up everybody? I have some serious shit to get off my chest. First off, soccer sucks. Eleventh commandment: Play that no moreth, or something like that. Edit it up really nice and print it. Now before any of you wild-eyed rednecks get any stupid ideas, I’m really going to enforce that “Thou shalt not kill” message this time, you know, like if you try to jack me up again. That shit hurt. This is one heaven skillet that won’t put up with that shit this time around.
In case you didn’t notice I wasn’t being literal about the whole “daily bread” thing. As you can see in the mirror, that stuff is full of carbs. Conversely, some of you chicks are wayyy to skinny. Take. Eat. Eat something.
Also, I meant that thing about doing unto others as you would want them to be doing up on you, but you can’t just walk up to someone and stick your hand down the front of their britches just because that’s the kind of thing you would be in to. And quit begging at me about your sports team. I bestowed all of my glory on the Cincinnati Bengals, and there’s none left to go around.
Check it out, I see and hear everything. You little rascals are farting way too much. Quit farting, could you? It’s too much farting.
Oh, and whine, whine, whine. You guys are a bunch of wussies. My natural disasters are awesome.
Hey, I said thou shalt not create false Idols, and then I see some cover band in Reno butchering Rebel Yell like I’m not going to notice. And how did you fuck up the Sabbath? All I asked you to do on Sunday was sit on your ass, but I guess you thought I said run up and down the aisles stocking shelves at Winco. Seriously, you can’t even rest right.
Well I guess I need to split. I’m getting tired so I need to go find a motel. Somebody had better make room at the inn, ‘cause I ain’t no baby this time around. Just because I never used laser eyeballs doesn’t mean I don’t have them.
In closing, please feel free to hump or marry anybody you want. Keep the booze and smoke flowing as needed. Read your Savage Henry. Is that clear enough for you?