Allison Mick, contributor
Here’s a quick look at what will be plopping onto our breakfast plates in 2015.
What We Eat
When we said goodbye to 2014, we also finally said goodbye to that bullshit bacon-on-everything trend. Chicken apple sausage was “so five minutes ago” 10 minutes ago. The official new hotness in breakfast meats is salmon. I predict that 2015 is the year that the West Coast finally figures out how to make a decent bagel (New York represent!) and when that happens, lox is going to be flippin’ HUGE.
Forecast: By late 2016, the salmon craze will have caused the worldwide extinction of all wild salmon. In 2017, the hot new breakfast meat will be the mauled corpses of the rich after we caught them breeding farm-raised salmon in their indoor pools.
How We Eat
According to that classic axiom, “Where technology leads, breakfast follows.” So with the tech sector leading the way, the breakfast wearables revolution is NOW. The technology is ALMOST there. I personally prefer to wear my bra to bed so that the Cheerios from my midnight snack are warmed up just in time for breakfast. NASA’s not doing shit. It’s really not that much to ask them to figure out how to use the heat from my hot-ass titties to poach an egg. This idea can win the hearts and minds of the American populace in a way Google Glass never could, because people love breakfast and boobs like 1000% more than dumbass face computers.
Where We Eat
I said it here first: brunch as we know it is over. Brunch is going to move out of the overpriced, shabby chic restaurant and INTO our very homes. People have dinner parties all the damn time. Why not brunch parties? There are so many advantages to this: NO waiting in line at 8 a.m. so you can have a menu in your hand by 11. It’s mediocre home fries, not an iPhone.
NO screaming toddlers that some bitch brought with her because “he’s usually soooo well-behaved.” YES to keeping drinking forever. We’ve turned brunch into a brunch party, so why not turn a brunch party into just a party? “Egg” doesn’t rhyme with “keg” for no reason.