Adam Jacobs, contributor
Are you suffering from PTSD (Post Trim Season Disorder)? Do you want this trim season to last forever? The money you make isn’t going to last all year long, at least not if you’re livin’ on the grid like some chump. Trimming is a lifestyle, so why only do it for a few months a year? Instead, follow the rush with this guide into the nothing…
Blaze chron, answer to no man, stress over jack squat, stretch that little bit of trim scratch into a 9 months of cold lampin’. Trim season lasts max three months, and once those jobs dry up like the leaves themselves, its time to skip town. Pack up your hump sack full of buds and butter and flick up your hitchin’ thumb and head back to that shithole hometown you so recently fled.
Yes, I said go home. Believe me, your parents will never expect it. Plus it’s just in time for a fucking all-American Thanksgiving feast. So Shower up, have your mommy wash your overalls cause they smell like fart storage, and you can even stay rent-free for a hot minute. Now it’s time to liquidate your trimming treasures to your hometown connects for a hefty markup; stack your cash now so you can WD-40 your way through the rest of the year.
Where is your next step? Easy. Mexico, baby. Take that little bit of scratch you made trimming and fuck a dollar when you can have 3 pesos. Cash goes along way in old Mexico, and you can lay low, cabana style. Weed is shitty but plentiful, kidnappings are like only kinda happening all the time, and the tacos flow through your colon like water. May I recommend Baja? Fish for your dinner, sleep on the beach, and eventually smuggle black tar smack up your rectum to Dallas. The circle of life… Smuggling dope across an international border may not seem like a viable option, but I’m just being realistic, and if you are anything like me, and I’m guessing you are, smuggling will probably be a last resort.
Your money has more than likely run out, and you are more than likely in Dallas working a few “balloons“ out your brown hole, and if my calculations are correct, it’s close to mid-February… time to work the festival circuit! Music festivals like SXSW and Coachella are moneymaking machines, and are ripe for the taking. You can “volunteer” at a festival and gain access for free, then once you are in there, fuck off and have fun. Some of us will have to resort to couch surfing or basic squatting, but that’s hella cool. I prefer to live off the grid like Bigfoot. Why pay rent like a chump when I can sleep in the woods behind the mall for free? EATING TRASH IS FUN AND ALL, BUT EVENTUALLY THE SECURITY GUARD WILL CATCH YOU SHOWERING IN THE HANDICAP STALL, SO YOU’LL HAVE TO “MOVE ON.”
If you want a place to get your head right before trim season starts again, may I suggest Santa Cruz, CA? This gnarly beach town has a badass little boardwalk carnival that’s always looking for vagabonds to poorly operate the tilt-a-whirl. Carnies have life figured out, or at least have hiding from child support payments down to a science. Live off the grid and sleep in the back of a pretzel cart while you help the bearded lady cook up a batch of meth… you know, the AMERICAN FUCKING DREAM!
So you wore out your welcome at the Santa Cruz Boardwalk… welcome to the party. Now it’s time to hitch your ass up to the Boldt, re-up on high quality dope, and get your trim on. The cycle continues until you eventually knock up a Denny’s waitress in a nondescript highway town, hang around for a few years until “shit gets too real,” and you fade away into the nothingness, never to be heard of again.
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