Trump Changes the Names of the Planets

Dear NASA,

Hey nerds…what’s up? Guess who won? Me, that’s right. It’s good. It’s great.

Since I’m now Emper…I mean President, I’m gonna save NASA money by renaming all the planets in the only solar system that exists. So take notes you dweebs, if there’s one thing you dorks can do is take notes, believe me.

First, the Milky Way is now called The Right Way cause it’s My Way…and you know what they say.

Now, Mercury is now called Tatooine. I hear it’s hot like Jar Jar Binks’ home planet. I love that Binks….really good stuff.

Venus is called Penis now. It rhymes.

Earth is now, the The Land of Jesus. We really should lay this debate with the Martians to rest once and for all.

Mars is now the home of Arnold Schwarzenegger and he can name it whatever the hell he wants. Don’t bet on The Voice kids, it’s not worth it.

Jupiter is called Herpesland now…I mean, what is that gross thing? Get rid of it, go see a doct…oh wait, yeah, forget I mentioned doctors.

Saturn is now called Melania because it’s the only thing in the universe that has more rings than my wife…am I right?

Uranus. Well, I mean, that’s pretty funny already, so we’ll just leave that one alone. And from what I read on Yelp, it’s pretty much the asshole of the galaxy.

Neptune. This is pretty good too, I’m just gonna add Kingdom to it and toss up a few rollercoasters and a bumper cars….I like bumper cars. They’re really really great.

Pluto? Really? Named after a Disney character? That’s stupid, I’m gonna change it to Goofy. There, all better.

About Chris Durant

Chris Durant has worked at not working for decades. He's the publisher of Savage Henry Magazine.

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