Why do we trust dudes with beards?

In case you hadn’t noticed, there’s big money in long facial hair. Fact is, you can’t swing a dead cat these days without hitting a consumer product that’s being pimped by dudes with unkempt facial hair. Question is, why?

The predominant message Bearded Guy conveys, after all, is that he is too broke — or too lazy — to spend five minutes with some shaving cream and a Gillette. Yet even in this futuristic age of the iPad and self-parking cars, these unshaven rubes continue making off with our lettuce.

See for yourself.

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Burt’s Bees: With its line of skin- and body- care products — including lip balm, soap and, yes, shaving cream — this mascot is about as retarded as a ketchup Popsicle. And come on, would you buy hand salve from a guy lookin’ like he’s straight off a sex offender registry? Inexplicably, millions have.

dgr9nqsf_66jp3mm3fg_bZig Zag: In this classic advert, Bearded Guy encourages us to don a wife-beater and do-rag and smoke home-rolls. What’s less clear is the actual product he’s hawking: light beer? Tickets to the tractor pull? Fishing bait? We give up.

dgr9nqsf_67cskq7zqh_bBurger King: Did you know that Burger King restaurants are sovereign property under the British crown, making them immune from U.S. law enforcement? The next time you get a side order of spit with your Double Whopper, officer, don’t say we didn’t warn you.

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Captain Morgan: The mascot is based on famed 17th century Welsh privateer Henry Morgan, who was said to dispense deck-side discipline with “rum, sodomy and the lash.” Kind of puts the company slogan “Got a Little Captain In You?” in a whole new light, doesn’t it?

dgr9nqsf_69d5fnk5gs_bGeico: Just when you were certain that a British-accented lizard was the stupidest goddamn marketing ploy since men dressed in giant fruit costumes modeled underwear, Geico one-ups itself with this neanderthal claims adjuster. Nothing says “affordable automobile insurance” quite like a caveman in a zip-up polyester track suit, does it?

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