The Uncovered Prophecies of Nostrildumbass

Nostrildumbass was a philosopher and dude from a long time ago. His wisdom and so-called “pre-dick shuns” have captivated the minds of many crazy people looking to rework and bullshit up his words into deeper meanings in order to make their own lives have more meaning, not unlike the Christians and their Bible. Recently an early manuscript was found by scientistsologists in an ancient cellphone’s inbox. After a lot of sitting around and being weird, these translations were made and subsequently stolen from Art Bell’s mailbox:

 1.  Agent Orange is the new Black Death.
2.  No one likes your mom jokes because your mom isn’t very funny.
3.  “Buzzword” is a buzzword.
4.  When Chef Boyardee goes bankrupt we all eat spaghetti owes.
5.  Glue one, glue two, glue three, glue four, glue five, glue six, glue seven, glue eight, glue nine, gluten.
6.   Assquatch is big, hairy, and smells bad.
7.   Baby Jessica is alive and WELL.
8.   Charlton Heston has had cold dead hands for years.
9.   Ativan Halen will introduce their new singer, Paxil Rose.
10.  “I wish I was not dead!” – a depressed ghost.
11.  There are people starving in Hungary.
12.  NSFW doesn’t stand for “No Shit, Fuck Wad!”
13.  Red with Yellow is the norm McDonald’s.
14.  There was an open Mic at Michael Jackson’s autopsy.
15.  The only band anyone really wants to see with a hologram is Jem and the Holograms.
16.  George Thorogood has horse teeth. More like George Thoroughbred.
17.  USB: A second rate USA.
18.  Nihilism doesn’t matter.
19.  There are millions of things that weigh less than a lighter.
20.  Only hipsters call hipsters hipsters.
21.  The capital of California is the “C”.
22.  “Tag your friends” is no longer an interactive sport.
23.  Neurotic Latinos have Hispanic attacks.
23.  Paul is dead Paul is dead, the Walker was Paul.
24.  You’re probably going to die someday.
25.  Your keys are in your other jacket.
26.  You probably haven’t read this far on the list.
27.  This is number 27.
28.  You can edit out some of these if you want; thanks, Sarah.
29.  This list will end before #30.

About Dutch Savage

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