Zeke Herrera, contributor
Since the beginning of time there have been many different styles of art, from cave paintings to that lady who put her old maxi pads on display. With all the different styles it’s easy for some of them to get overlooked. Here are objectively the best art styles there are. They make Pointillism look like Frida Khalo ate Skittles and spit on a dead cat for 10 minutes.
Die (H)Art: Using the blood of a fallen enemy to paint a warning on a sweater to your other enemies and later killing all of those enemies.
Abstract Orphanism: Only painting when your parents are nodding off from heroin.
Misogynicism: A woman paints the same thing as a man but gets paid a dollar less per hour and when she complains you say she was asking for it because the way she’s dressed.
Santorumism: Painting using the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.
Post-Hipster Expressionism: Using paint infused with the first half of a PBR because halfway through pouring it becomes too mainstream.
W. Bushoque: Taking a selfie in the bathroom using oil pastels that you gained from invading foreign countries.
Brave Art: Much like face painting, but you reveal later in your career you that you’re extremely racist.
Like Abstraction: Painting blue thumbs-up that you put on other paintings that you’re fond of.
Conservative Realism: Painting scary things like stuff that didn’t exist back in your day and is scary because it’s new, like interracial sex, or kids on your lawn.