Video Game Billionaires

Zeke Herrera, contributor

Billionaires are among the most well known people on the planet, and are always in the headlines. Headlines such as “Does Donald Have A Trump Card?” or “Jay-Z’s 99 Problems From A to Z.” Sadly, video game billionaires don’t get such clever coverage. Lucky for you, though, that’s why I’m here: to bring you the coverage you deserve. Without further ado, here are the top 5 video game billionaires.

Mitch Vonderman (Super Mario Bros)
Mitch was the only castle architect in all of Dinosaur Land, and was quite literally at the end of his rope when he had an idea. He quickly decided that masturbating would have to wait. He approached Bowser, King of the Koopa and proposed that if Bowser were only to set up elaborate castles it would make it more difficult for people to retrieve their kidnapped loved ones. Thus a mutualism formed making Mitch one of the richest men in all of Dinosaur Land.

Reba Ambers (Fruit Ninja)
Most people see their hometown being invaded by fruit slicing ninjas as a problem, but Reba Ambers saw an opportunity. Within weeks she had one of the most profitable farms in all of Chicago. She’s already preparing for the possibility of meat ninjas.

Jerry Willow (Pokemon)
Do you think making storing animals in cage 1/84th their size, days on end, only releasing them to make them poison, burn, and bite each other for sport is wrong? How about then taking that “sport” and basing your entire country’s economy around it? Well that’s probably why you’re not rich and probably why you still have friends. Often hailed as the Michael Vick (he’s a lot more popular over there) of the Johto region, Jerry set out at a young age to fix the economy’s lack of animal cruelty centric  fundamentals and has been riding the money tsunami ever since.

Nathan Russel (Sonic)
The beauty of the last billionaire on the list is that he purely got lucky. Hired by a crazed trillionaire to scatter gold rings over the earth, on top of getting paid he also keeps half the rings for himself. He’s happy just to not be delivering pizzas anymore but also enjoys the company of the cyborg wildlife.

Barry Goldson (Every Game)
It doesn’t matter what game you’re in — Barry has you covered. Barry was the video game world’s first pottery insurance salesman. Trying to tidy up hell to raise morale when some antihero comes through and destroys everything? Barry’s got you covered. Are you worried about storing your mana around your castle? Barry’s got you covered. Live in Hyrule? Barry’s got you covered. So it didn’t take very long for everyone to get on board and for premiums to go through the roof.


About Chris Durant

Chris Durant has worked at not working for decades. He's the publisher of Savage Henry Magazine.

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