Vince Vaughn’s Guide to Money

Money, the object of many discussions and deliberation. Money is a constant issue in every aspect of our lives whether its our job, stocks, house or even vacation, money is always on the back of your mind. There is only one person who knows all there is to know about money. Only one living soul on our planet knows more than all the investors and mathematicians about money…that man is Vince Vaughn.

I texted Vince and was able to meet up with him for last call at an upscale Hollywood bar to usurp all the knowledge he has about cash for this article. So here is my EXCLUSIVE dictated presentation of Vince Vaughn’s guide to money.

First of all, money can be used for goods and services. Second, money is so money and it doesn’t even know it!

Third, money can bang tons of chicks as long as it has me around to remind it how money it really is (which is so money.) Without me, money usually has no idea how money it is and is too scared to hit on anyone…even an ugly broad.

Now that I think about it, money is kinda chubby actually. That’s number four, money’s hair is all receded and like I get why money doesn’t
necessarily know how money it is. In fact I don’t really think money is “so money”…I just told money that so it would chill out.

Fifth, money is made at a place called a mint. Which reminds me, I was out doing some day drinking with my boys earlier tonight and we ended up at this random bar, it was sick! They had this drink..a mint martini. What they did is they made a dirty martini but with mint vodka. i drank 17! Can you believe it? And I was fine. Like I drove here no problem.

I’m not worried about cops. Fuck cops. You really think some cop is gonna arrest Vince Vaughn? Rule six, cops don’t arrest a guy with this much fucking money.

Seven I use my money for tons of of plastic surgery in order to keep my puffy/red face and I also rub glass in my eyes before filming my many movies (glass I buy also using MONEY)

This brings me to eight: You wouldn’t believe how much money they gave me to do The Internship! That movie’s funny, bro! That movie is so funny it doesn’t even know it! Owen and I crack sick jokes about Google (speaking of things that are so money.)

Nine, Owen Wilson is my best friend. Wait…what were we talking about? Ah fuck it. Hey you guys wanna

know how Owen’s nose got so fucked up? …No? …You sure? Alright, it’s a funny story, though. I mean I was there when it happened, nearly laughed my DICK off! Ok, whatever man. Hey I’m gonna go take a piss then talk to that girl over there…she is SO honey.

Ten, oh my god, that girl I was just talking to after I took that piss…I totally knew her! I met her at the Playboy mansion! She’s been in the magazine a few times. She’s so bunny. So bunny she doesn’t even know it!

About Cornell Reid

Cornell is a super funny dude who consistently cracks everyone he comes into contact with up. He kinda has the midas touch but for laughs not gold, which is way way less valuable. Cornell grew up in Arcata and everyone said he was "hella tight." Now he lives in LA where he is a very popular stand-up comedian. All of his audiences refer to him as "hella tight." The president recently held a press conference where he said "the country may be going to shit but at least Cornell is hella tight."

Check Also

Rejected Exit Surveys From Heaven’s Gate

Matt Redbeard, contributor   OPPODY All I know is before I couldn’t stop banging. It …