… I’d sing it like Sid Vicious.
… “Boneless chicken” would have to be called “impotent chicken,” because that is more polite.
… Vegans can’t kill ants.
… Every year Wrestlemania would have a “Match Made in Heaven,” featuring two recently deceased wrestlers.
… Mail slots are now called fe-mail slots, for postal equality and other obvious reasons.
… There is no confusion on whether or not Nancy Kerrigan and Nancy from “A Nightmare on Elm Street” are the same person.
… “Throwback Thursday” becomes a weekly national holiday for all fish. They don’t have to go to school.
… Eskimos are the coolest.
… Green Acres is the place to pee.
… For Lent everyone lets you borrow shit.
… “The Pole Vault” is discovered as our nation’s leader’s secret locked-up dildo cabinet.
… Killer whales are way more stoked and awesome, dude.
… Bill Hader is proof that Dan Aykroyd got Jim Carrey pregnant.
… In an effort to get people to take the ceremonies more seriously, the Grammys are now known as the Grandmas.
… Target sells Squeegee Boards, which, when used properly, help get ghosts to come over and wash your windows.
… “Internet celebrities” would have to be referred to as simply “celebrities,” as they’re just as dumb as the ones on TV.
… Courtney Love would shut her Hole.
… Fountain drinks all taste like a million pennies, a thousand nickels, a hundred dimes, and three quarters.
… Beer Pong is replaced with Piñata Colada.
… Victoria’s Secret is that she’s not really a ho’.
… Tiger Woods suffers a stroke in the forest and is eaten by a giant wild orange cat.
… Golf is subpar.
… Jehovah’s Witnesses came to your house and passed out copies of Savage Henry, then got the fuck away from you and never said a word.