If I had my way…

… I’d sing it like Sid Vicious.

… “Boneless chicken” would have to be called “impotent chicken,” because that is more polite.

… Vegans can’t kill ants.

… Every year Wrestlemania would have a “Match Made in Heaven,” featuring two recently deceased wrestlers.

… Mail slots are now called fe-mail slots, for postal equality and other obvious reasons.

… There is no confusion on whether or not Nancy Kerrigan and Nancy from “A Nightmare on Elm Street” are the same person.

… “Throwback Thursday” becomes a weekly national holiday for all fish. They don’t have to go to school.

… Eskimos are the coolest.

… Green Acres is the place to pee.

… For Lent everyone lets you borrow shit.

… “The Pole Vault” is discovered as our nation’s leader’s secret locked-up dildo cabinet.

… Killer whales are way more stoked and awesome, dude.

… Bill Hader is proof that Dan Aykroyd got Jim Carrey pregnant.

… In an effort to get people to take the ceremonies more seriously, the Grammys are now known as the Grandmas.

… Target sells Squeegee Boards, which, when used properly, help get ghosts to come over and wash your windows.

… “Internet celebrities” would have to be referred to as simply “celebrities,” as they’re just as dumb as the ones on TV.

… Courtney Love would shut her Hole.

… Fountain drinks all taste like a million pennies, a thousand nickels, a hundred dimes, and three quarters.

… Beer Pong is replaced with Piñata Colada.

… Victoria’s Secret is that she’s not really a ho’.

… Tiger Woods suffers a stroke in the forest and is eaten by a giant wild orange cat.

… Golf is subpar.

… Jehovah’s Witnesses came to your house and passed out copies of Savage Henry, then got the fuck away from you and never said a word.

About Dutch Savage

Dutch Savage is a very private person.

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