Warner Brother’s favorite son, Bugs Bunny, turned 73 last month. During my most recent mental episode I caught up with Bugs and asked him if he had any regrets looking back on his long and colorful life. Bugs was very animated and he kept saying “I knew I should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque” over and over and over and over, and over again. Sometime later as I made my final descent back to earth from my beautiful and introspective visit with one of Bugs’ colleagues Marvin the Martian, I saw the impossible light that I had been looking for my whole life. Here is what I now know what the world would be like if my pal Bugs did indeed take that left turn in Albuquerque:
Elmer Fudd would never have shot his friend in that infamous Texas quail hunting accident of 2006.
Lyme disease could be cured with tequila and a little salt.
Internet sensation Sweet Brown teams up with fat Dracula singer Meatloaf for a collaboration called SWEET BROWN MEATLOAF and record a new hit single called “I would do anything for love, but ain’t nobody got time for that”.
Marty McFly and Biff Tannen totally blow each other (for years and years).
Whenever someone says “EPIC” someone else pukes “BACON” onto their “MOUSTACHE”.
In a plan to revamp their careers, Pan flute maestro Zamphir teams up with equally as political and subversive hip-hop group Public Enemy with an album called Zamphir of a Black Planet.
The largest, most exquisite menu item at every expensive French restaurant in the world is called “Entrée the Giant”.
Jerk chicken pisses everybody off.
Edward Snowden, the informer, a licky boom boom downs.
Willy Wonka trademarks the name “Cath-o-lick” for his new line of piss tubes made of hard candy resulting in all members of the Catholic church running for their lives thus bringing the religion to a dramatic fall. Churches become sweet attractions like in that fuckin’ movie.
Internet sensation Tay Zonday replaces Jeff Hanneman in the Slayer line up for a forthcoming full length lp entitled “Chocolate Rain In Blood”, under the super group moniker of Slay Zonday.
Mel’s Blanc would be filled.
(That’s not all, folks!)