Adam Jacobs, contributor
Every type of punk has a distinct smell, an odor that defines who they are. I’ve traversed the depths of the punk world using only my nose and some hand sanitizer to finally figure out: what is that smell? From Steampunks to Gutter Punks, I’ve smelled the hottest of garbage and that’s just their crusty-ass Dr. Martens. The truest essence of being a punk is “not giving a fuck,” so a shower is most likely out of the question. Let’s explore some horrible smells.
Skate Punk – With whiffs of blunt smoke and a trace of 7-11 Big Bites, skate punks’ overall smell is reminiscent of an old sweaty gym sock. A real Skate Punk should leave a lingering trace in your nose similar to Monster energy drink or Mt. Dew.
SteamPunk – These dumbshits smell like the industrial revolution, which can be described as old leather meets coal fire. Powered by steam engines and whiskey, Steampunks often spend so much time building their stupid outfits they forget to shower and deodorant isn’t of the period, so it’s not allowed.
PsychoBilly – Strong hints of gasoline engulf these wannabe greasers with pompadours and gas station shirts. The overwhelming stench of hair gel defines these dipshits.
NormCore – A visceral aroma of Applebees with a hint of your dad’s mustache after a bowl of clam chowder, these normal-clothing-wearing dildos secretly love watching Big Bang Theory and quietly mutter “Bazinga” to themselves. Smelling normal is crucial to these numbnuts so expect some Axe body spray usage.
Pop Punk – Popping their fauxhawks at the neighborhood Hot Topic gives these dildos their distinctive food court odor. A strong mix of Sbarro’s and Starbucks makes these numbnuts almost invisible to the nose; only their annoyingly bright hair dye gives them identity.
Skinheads – You know they smell like sadness the most. Anyone filled with that much hate definitely doesn’t have time to shower, so expect a powerful BO stank with a side note of anal lube; their high level of anger only points to closeted homosexuality.
Gutter Punks – An overwhelming stench of dried urine and poor butt-wiping protocol gives these stink bandits the highest level of punk funk known to mankind. Steer clear of these garbage dwellers if you plan on eating or enjoying life anytime in the near future.
Use your sense of smell carefully and steer clear of these punk funks in the future.