What will they think of next? We know …

At this point, nearly everyone in the world is hip to the whole energy drink/B vitamin/ caffeine craze that is destroying our planet. I bet there are pygmies from the depths of the Amazonian jungle who have a favorite flavor of Rockstar.

And now there are products like gum, lip balm and jelly beans coated in B vitamins and caffeine, often sold with just the word “sport” in front of the actual product name.

Savage Henry recently attended the Caffeine Regulators of American Sports Herbalist conference in Miami, Ohio, and here is what you’ll find on the shelves of your favorite merchants in the next year.

Spagu : extreme pasta sauce “The natural antioxidants of tomatoes combined with taurine and guarana for the zestiest marinara you’ve ever ingested. It’ll kick that boring pasta’s ass back to last Tuesday.”

Preparation X : hemorrhoid cream “Developed by one of NASSA’s top proctologists, Preparation X combines caffeine and B vitamins with a secret blend of herbs and spices that work specifically in the anal region. When stress occurs in the body, it is channeled to the swollen veins until eventually they burst on their own. One bad day in traffic plus Preparation X equals goodbye hemorrhoids.”

GakQuil : nighttime flu medicine “Tired of always getting tired after you take NyQuil when you’re sick? Bullshit, huh? With GakQuil, you’ll never doze off while trying to sleep when you’re sick again. Fuck that noise. Caffeine, real Mexican sugar and an ass-load of other top-notch shit.”

Electroglide Mouse Pad : mouse pads “Your mouse pad is obsolete — a tattered old coffee-stained picture of the kids of the guy who had the desk before you. But the Electroglide Mouse Pad, made from woven bull-testicle fiber and acai berry leather will make your fingers cum. It’s the most action your right hand has seen since 15 minutes ago when you were masturbating in the employee bathroom.”

Cocaine Loco : cocaine “Don’t get that same rush you got when you first snorted cocaine? Not ready to take the step toward crack? Try Cocaine Loco — cocaine mixed with crushed Vivarin and saliva from Colombian fire ants. You’re loco if you don’t try Cocaine Loco.


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