Wine all you want

Spencer Devine, contributor

One time I went grocery shopping with my parents at Trader Joe’s for the first week of the college semester. We got all the essentials: Cereal, milk, bread, yogurt, etc., and then we got to the wine and beer aisle. “Do you want a bottle of wine?” my father asked me as we passed the bottles of pinot and cabernet. I said yes, because I drink problems away, and picked a bottle with a low price tag and a pretty label.

I picked out a bottle of cheap wine that I enjoyed the taste of because I’m no connoisseur. Then my parents, the lovely people who raised me, gave me some serious stink-eyes and asked why I would get something so cheap when I had so many options to pick from. The answer was simple:

I don’t give a singular fuck about the quality of wine.

Wine all tastes the same to me. You could give me a glass of $100 dollar vineyard wine paired with an equally-sized glass of $10 wine and not only would I be unable to tell the difference, but I would drink both wine glasses straight to my face like a high-ranking 1920s gangster.

Wine-tasting fancy wines is a stupid money pit. I can taste by the full glass, guys; it doesn’t have to be a teaspoon of alcohol that I have to spit out afterwards. If wine-tasting wine was so good, why would you ever spit it into a bucket or a bowl? When I want to spit my booze into a bowl I’ll camp out in the bathroom after a rough night.

People look down on boxed wine because they think it’s “cheap,” but in reality you’re getting six and a half bottles of wine for the price, or maybe less, of one nice glass in a restaurant. There’s no reason to be snobs when we don’t know what we’re talking about. To be fair, there are many people who have a refined palate and can taste the differences in wine, but chances are that I am not, nor will ever be, hanging out with those people.

Wine tastes ok, but I’m not dropping my rent money on a bottle of white zin from your family’s private vineyard when I could get 100 Jack In The Box tacos for the same price.

Because in summary, I love tacos.


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