Witches: How Cold Are Their Tits? – An Investigative Report

“Colder than a witch’s tit.” That’s an expression people have been using ever since they learned about stuff that was really cold, and of course, tits. But how cold is a witch’s tit really? I mean aren’t most tits kind of warm? What do witches do to make their tits so cold? I know they stir cauldrons all day but you’d think all the boiling potions would heat up the tits with steam from the eyes of newts or camels nards or whatever they use in potions. I wouldn’t know, I’m not a witch. Actually my tits are quite warm to the touch. Also I am a man so I don’t think I even have tits, despite what those construction workers yelled at me. But regardless, the part of my body where tits would be if I were a woman or witch (the chest area with the pink dots, aka nipples) is quite warm. I think most people especially the ones with tits are very warm in this area since most of our body is usually pretty warm and if you have tits you have to have them all covered up so you don’t get arrested. If you cover stuff up that makes it even warmer. Most tit-havers wear bras and if you don’t know what a bra is, it’s a tit holder that’s basically like one of those pizza bags that the delivery guys deliver pizza in. They’re made to keep tits hot and fresh.

However, enough about how hot other tits are; why are witch tits so cold?

One theory is because they fly all over on their brooms at night. Brooms don’t actually have windshields or anything so it gets pretty windy, and since they insist on flying at night it can get pretty chilly. Plus, witches wear black ratty dresses which is not the garment of choice for keeping wind off your tits. In fact it acts more as a witch tit wind tunnel. But does this make their tits colder than the other parts of their bodies? For instance, why isn’t the saying “colder than a witch’s knee” or “colder than a witch’s nose?” The nose isn’t covered by anything, even a dress! I think witches in general don’t want any more attention on their noses. They all have huge gross noses with warts on them and shit. That sucks. So people probably originally started saying “colder than a witch’s nose” but then witches were all like, “You think that’s cold? look at these tits!” then they like taped ice cubes to their boobs or something to make people think that their tits were especially cold. Witches in general were probably pretty bummed because no one thinks a witch is very sexy. So maybe they started the saying and got it to catch on so you would actually sexualize the poor witches and then they could finally get laid. A huge wart nose, purple hair and green skin aren’t exactly qualities that make us horny but cold tits? Maybe.

Anyway, that’s it. I hope you guys learned as much as I did!

About Cornell Reid

Cornell is a super funny dude who consistently cracks everyone he comes into contact with up. He kinda has the midas touch but for laughs not gold, which is way way less valuable. Cornell grew up in Arcata and everyone said he was "hella tight." Now he lives in LA where he is a very popular stand-up comedian. All of his audiences refer to him as "hella tight." The president recently held a press conference where he said "the country may be going to shit but at least Cornell is hella tight."

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