Women, Am I Right

What’s the deal with women, right, guys? Sometimes they just drive me crazy.

For instance, why don’t they just say what they mean? Am I right? This guy knows what I’m talking about. This girl I met the other day, lemme tell ya… it’s like she couldn’t make up her mind what to tell me — a fib or an outright lie! You know, tell me if you don’t like the restaurant I say I’m gonna take you to. You’re gonna let me spend $27.50 before you tell me you don’t like it? Plus tip! Ay yi yi yi yi yi yi! This guy over here, he’s nodding. He gets it.

And what’s the deal with their Adam’s apples, am I right? Yikes! This girl I met, sheesh. The Adam’s apple on this broad, I tell ya! This guy over here gets it.I mean, am I wrong, guys? For the love of…

And this girl, she won’t shut up! But I’m telling you anything you don’t know there, right, guys? It’s her friend Stacey this, her sister Gina that, and then she goes on and on about this clinic she went to in Thailand for some big operation, but I really wasn’t listening by then! It’s like (rolls eyes), “Yes, uh huh, yeah, of course, oh, how interesting.” That’s a line you should practice, fellas! Ay yi yi! This guy, he’s shaking his head, but you know it’s true, brother!

And then I see she hasn’t shaved her legs, or her knuckles, or her face — I mean, I know I’m no Burt Lancaster, but the girl I’m taking to Sizzler shouldn’t look like Burt Lancaster neither, right, guys? Holy Schnikes! This guy over here… I got your number, buddy. I own this guy now. He’s losin’ it…

And then this chick, we get back to my place, and things are getting a little hot, a little heavy — you can see where this is going, right, buddy? This guy knows — and suddenly SHE’S bending ME over! I mean, I like a take-charge type of gal, but this is crazy! Ay yi yi yi yi yi yi yi yi YI YI YI yi yi yi yi YI YI!

Anyway, turns out she was a man. He assaulted me pretty brutally, cleaned out my apartment. Spent two weeks in ICU… Stitches aren’t even off yet. I — I’m just now getting to where I can talk about it, and my therapist, he pointed me to you guys — this support group. I just… I just hope I can continue to heal, with your help and understanding. Thanks for listening.

 

About Zack Newkirk

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