Evan Vest and Matt Redbeard, contributors
Being high and eating pizza is definitely the best thing on earth, no doubt. But deciding what kind of pie you want to go with while you’re baked can be a tricky decision. The wrong kind of pizza can ruin your high, so we feel responsible for letting you know which kind of pizza will harsh your buzz.
- Responsibility Pizza
Responsibility is definitely one of the worst things ever when you’re high, and it’s even worse on pizza. Also, don’t take on the responsibility to cook pizza, either. You will get high and burn your house down. I highly suggest delivery. Highly.
- Cop Pizza
The shit is the worst. Not only will it arrest you for being high, it reeks to high heaven of authority and moose jizz.
- Math Pizza
No one wants to do math when they’re high, and you especially don’t want to do math on your pizza before you enjoy it. Avoid at all costs.
- Rotten.com Pizza
We really wanted this pizza to be dope, but unfortunately the pizza was 30 minutes late and it wasn’t delivered by that bloated bathtub guy like we were hoping. It did have like four of his fingernails in it. That was tight.
- Getting a Job Pizza
I shouldn’t be forced to pay for the slice I want to eat, and the same goes for the job I want as well. What I’m getting at is, don’t get a job and never pay for pizza.
- Godzilla Pizza
We totally thought there would be big old juicy chunks of this zilla bruh on this beast but apparently it was just stepped/shat on by him. It’s fucking bullshit, man.
- Hollow Pizza
It’s literally exactly what you’re thinking. Just a ring of crust that you can hang yourself with. Now I probably wouldn’t mind if I had some ranch sauce for the dippin’, but a bone dry crust wheel does a man no good.
- Deja Vu Pizza
It’s like that feeling of “I’ve done this before” as you’re shoveling the lava-hot pie into your mouth while you’re holding your breath and while also standing on your tippy toes on the edge of the toilet cuz that water is lava bb.
Follow Evan Vest on Twitter @EvanVestIsReal and Matt Redbeard at @RedbeardOG