The Worst Rewards Offered for a Missing Pet

Cornell Reid, staff


Pets go missing each and every day. If you don’t believe me then take a quick stroll through your neighborhood and count the missing pet signs that are strewn up all over. You’ll find hundreds, if not thousands. People are missing iguanas, hamsters, crocodiles, and even the occasional cat or dog. Some people accurately monetize their pet and offer a just reward for any citizen who is able to bring their pet home safely. Others, however, have no idea what type of reward would be appropriate for these missing animals. This is a collection of the worst rewards ever found.


Missing Cat. We will reward whoever finds it a copy of the Pentatonix Christmas Album.

Look, Pentatonix sucks. I would definitely throw this cat off a bridge before I brought it back to whoever lost it. Pentatonix took beatboxing and made it the whitest thing on Earth. Just in case you didn’t know, making something white is the best way to make it suck. Even polka used to be dope before white people got a hold of it, and look at it now. Woof!

Missing Dog. We’re offering a sweet 311 poster reward if found.

Let me guess, your dog is named Amber. I don’t care what color your energy is, I already have a hella sick 311 poster framed over my bed. You’re not topping this one, fella!









Missing Cat. If you bring her home we’ll give you a half-drunk Four Loko and three bites of a Slim Jim (The Slim Jim bites are already in the Four Loko can).

Look, I’ve had enough Four Lokos and Slim Jims to know that they just don’t mix. I don’t think this is a reward as much as it is a punishment. These flavors just don’t really compliment each other or really compliment themselves or compliment your mouth.





Lost Parrot. Will reward you a 7-day free trial of Spotify (only if you’re new to Spotify).

Who is new to Spotify? The only people who haven’t tried the Spotify trial are people who don’t use computers. Besides, Spotify offers a free trial anyway. This isn’t a reward in any sense of the word.


Missing Dog. If found we’ll reward you a different dog.

I don’t want a dog. You still have one left, why are you being greedy?






Lost Iguana. If found we will reward you with 8 PS2 games that you can trade-in at GameStop for store credit.

What type of store credit is GameStop going to give you for a PS2 game? Why don’t you just return the games yourself and give me the money?

Lost Tarantula. If returned we will reward you with a free tutorial on drawing your own anime.

Nah, I’m good. Draw that shit yourself.

About Cornell Reid

Cornell is a super funny dude who consistently cracks everyone he comes into contact with up. He kinda has the midas touch but for laughs not gold, which is way way less valuable. Cornell grew up in Arcata and everyone said he was "hella tight." Now he lives in LA where he is a very popular stand-up comedian. All of his audiences refer to him as "hella tight." The president recently held a press conference where he said "the country may be going to shit but at least Cornell is hella tight."

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