Zeke Herrera, contributor
Time: 7:41 AM Date: 11/27/13
I have discovered a new method of time travel. I just woke from a dream and realized that I had been time traveling my entire life (technically). Now I needed to perfect my new found method but first a quick nap to refuel.
Time: 2:37 PM Date: 11/27/13
Time to get started, on my new expedition I’ll need a television and cookies. For the television I’ve chosen the one in my apartment. It suits all my needs even being in my line of sight, which is the most important. For the cookies I was considering something gluten free but then I remembered that I’m not a total pussy. The cookies I choose could be associated with time travel for the rest of time, the way space travel is associated with Tang or how traveling in mobility scooters is associated with Wilford Brimley. I needed something that represented America and sadly they don’t make bald eagle animal cookies so I’ll have to settle for Oreo’s. I go grab the Oreo’s from my cabinet but something’s wrong, the packaging feels empty. Too empty. I don’t know if my expedition can move forward without them. What am I suppose to do? Move linearly through time without snacks like the first Doctor? Don’t think so. Alcohol will have to suffice for now.
Stop: 6:12 PM Date: 11/27/13
Upon cooking my daily serving of Hot Pockets, I found a clue that might lead me to the missing Oreo’s. Crumbs in front of my microwave. Probably not going to help me find the thief but I can always leave them in a trail in case I need to find my microwave again. This bottle of Jack is getting pretty low so leaving a trail of Oreo crumbs might not be easy.
Hammer Time: 10 Star Date :69
I don’t know who I can trust, the trail of crumbs has vanished. Somebody set me up! My cat is looking pretty suspicious. No! Not because he’s black, he’s just looking at me funny and yeah, maybe it’s because I’m shitting in his litter box. I’m starting to see the flaws in this method of time travel, no dinosaurs, my mom hasn’t hit on me at all except that one dream I had that I’ve managed to suppress until now. I think I’m going to be sick, I have to scoot this litter box over to the toilet so I can puke. Unsuccessful, but wait, something about this pile of vomit looks suspicious. Goddammit! Oreo’s! It was me the whole time! But that doesn’t make any sense. Well, I guess it makes as much sense as The Sixth Sense or any other movie with this plot twist. Except for Fight Club, that movie’s awesome.