Aaron Pitcher, contributor
HUMBOLDT COUNTY, NV – A whole new means of amusement opened up Tuesday for Union Township resident Michael “Mikey” Rasmussen, Jr., 5, when he discovered that his parents’ glass water pipe, valued at $149.99 from Purple Haze Gift & Boutique, made what in his mind amounts to one sweet ray gun.
The child, described variably by neighbors as “rambunctious”, “high-energy”, and “that little monster”, spent much of the afternoon running about his Melarkey Street home making “pew! pew!” noises and “shooting” the pricey apparatus at imaginary intruders. At one point his makeshift weapon made contact with a potted vase, shattering the latter. The vase, valued at $6.95 + tax from a local Target retailer, was deemed replaceable.
Further damage was avoided by the fact that the particular curves of the implement actually fit fairly neatly into Rasmussen’s otherwise awkward clutches, with the bowl/stem configuration providing a handy “trigger” to augment his meager grip. The one reported incident of accidental dropping occurred, to the relief of all interested parties, as the youngster attempted to scale a cushy sofa back.
Mikey’s father, Michael Rasmussen, Sr., was visibly shaken at his son’s incursion. “I keep that bong in a locked box inside a locked room. The kid is some kind of a genius. An evil genius, even, maybe. Yesterday he walked up real calm and told me I was sitting in his seat. Said it like a man would, definitely an implied threat. I got up and moved. I don’t think I’m cut out to be a parent.”
His wife Melinda Rasmussen echoed the sentiment. “I don’t think my husband is cut out to be a parent,” she said. “That boy’s got his number. I’ll tell you a story. Last month our yorkie Sasha drags home a full-grown rabbit she’d killed, and how she did, either, I’ll never know. Mikey, naturally, is thrilled. ‘Zombie Rabbit,’ he calls it. So then Dingbat, I mean my life partner, tells his one — and at this point probably only — offspring to go throw the bloody thing into the woods out back. Of course he doesn’t, because Zombie Rabbit needs a place to sleep, and where better than right underneath Mikey’s bed? The house still reeks.”
For his part, Mikey Rasmussen’s commentary on the day’s revelatory experience was more succinct. He said simply, “My gun is see-through, so that beats your gun!” and then kicked our correspondent.